It’s time for healing time to move on
It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It’s time to find my way to where I belong
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender…
To…
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something Heavenly
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly
It’s time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
Whatever God is doing, I have felt a tiny tornado building up inside. Within the swirl is a tangled mess of my circumstances with finding contentment, my own strength wrestling with surrender to God’s control, finding joy in the simple things jumbled with consuming solitude, and finally nurturing friendships in a constant struggle with pulling away. It feels like chaos…. but somehow there’s peace.
I don’t necessarily “feel” that peace every day, or even throughout one single day. But I know that God’s peace is not based on my circumstances and is not ruled by my will. It is a promise – unconditional, because that’s what God is. He is as much loving as He is just, and as much giving of peace as allowing circumstances to shake me. The question always comes down to, will I allow myself to be shaken?
God is not the One doing the shaking… though sometimes it seems like it, and can be easier to deal with if we believe this is true. It’s easy to be mad or frustrated at God – we know He’s not going to get angry with us and storm off. So if God is the One who is standing still, never moving away from us, never shifting according to our feelings, our perspectives, or our circumstances, why am I not standing with Him?
My life is a constant battle within myself – trusting God, finding shelter in His wings, living, breathing, and walking in His peace and control, but at the same time questioning what He’s doing, wandering from His shelter looking for what He wants me to do, attempting to create my own peace.
Since moving to Germany, I have grown closer in my walk with God than ever…. and yet, I feel like I have “done” nothing. I mean, come on…. I’ve led Bible studies, I’ve worked in church for years, I’ve been surrounded by encouraging and inspiring people, I’ve lived in China for 6 weeks, I planned a wedding in 7, and given up the life I knew and was comfortable with, my school, my family, my friends, to move across the world with my husband…. big things in my life, big things that God has used in miraculous ways to change me and others. Don’t get me wrong, God uses big things all the time, but I am also finding that the little things are what really affect me, personally.
A dear friend of mine here – that I have felt like I’ve known for way longer than a few weeks – and I were chatting the other day about how satan uses little things in our life to attack us. We both could relate in that big things don’t really shake us…. we can handle huge things in our life. But it’s in the little things every day that really have an affect us. We have two choices: let them shake us, or stand on God’s solid foundation.
I’ve come through moving here, living in a spare room for 6 weeks, unending paperwork, handling housing, finance, and our things being moved in by myself, puppy problems, weather, feeling so alone, and finding friends…. Not without some struggle, mind you, but I’ve come through it stronger and closer to my Lord.
So why Lord, why are these silly, little things bothering me so much?? Am I climbing aimlessly over the “mountains” in my life only to find myself in a valley called “What am I going to cook for dinner?”
I love taking care of people – I thrive on and find ultimate joy in helping others, in being a good friend, in reaching out to those who need it…. and I don’t mind asking for help sometimes. But when I really get down and dirty, honest with myself and with God, I don’t like to help myself. Not so much help myself, but focus on myself.. Not in the selfish, “it’s all about me and my schedule and my wants” kind of way, but the “what do I really need, what do I need to change, what do I need to think about….”
I think I’m even confusing myself here, haha… What am I trying to say?
Ok, my house is ALWAYS clean and organized. Everything has a place. I do the dishes as soon as I’m done eating, they do not just sit in the sink until I feel like doing them. I decorate according to functionality and balance. Even the “random” placement of things turns out to be asymmetrical. I make my bed every morning, the pillows are always arranged the same way. I have a place for my phone in every room, and I open the blinds the same way every morning. Dirty clothes never pile up, and I wash according to each color. My towels are all folding the exact same way in the closet…. and I’m pretty sure I would die without sticky notes.
Someone could come into my house, move every single thing, throw it all around, dump out every drawer and empty every cabinet… and I’m pretty sure I could handle that better than if someone came in and turned a towel the opposite direction or tracked a muddy shoe print across my clean floor or turned a single blind the wrong way.
Crazy? No….. OCD, perhaps. (Thank Mom 🙂 I love you! )
Do you understand a little better now? It’s the little things that get me…. the little things that create chaos inside me. They build up and build up, and I try to deal with it on my own…. cause come on, it’s so silly to get worked up over something so small…. right?
Confession: (to some this may not come as a surprise 🙂 ) when I let the little things get to me, or when I’m overwhelmed or frustrated… it comes out in words. Not cursing or anything like that. Just expressing just how frustrated or angry I am, or even things like, “Gah, this dog will NOT go potty outside!” or “Ugh, more snow??”… These words are not controlled by well-planned thoughts and they are not serving a purpose like having a conversation with a friend. Most of the time, it’s when I’m by myself.
Man, now there’s flour all over the clean floor… The dog had another accident in the house?…. Oh no, I don’t have any more butter???…. They scratched up my coffee table?!?!? What clumsy, lazy people!!… They lost our paperwork again?? Come on…. Dog, it’s a trash can, please stop barking… Why hasn’t Austin called?? Why didn’t he text me back??….Blah blah blah
I can get so worked up, it’s ridiculous…. But why? Something so small can have such a huge affect on me…. God shed a little light through James 3:
3When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
7All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, 8but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
9With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. 11Can both fresh water and salt[a] water flow from the same spring? 12My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.
If the little things are not under control, the big things become chaos.
Two Kinds of Wisdom
13Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.15Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.
I had to ask myself, do I sow in peace? Maybe in others… I serve others, I love others, I am a friend to others… but do I sow peace for myself? No matter my good intentions and all the “wonderful “actions toward others, the discord I have sown for myself always harvests unrighteousness that affects others.
I have tried on my own and with God to “fix” this and help me deal with the small things that have such a great affect on others: working on my relationships with my family and my husband, becoming a better communicator, seeing things from the other person’s perspective, being a better listener, etc…. All good and well, and I have seen a significant change for the better. However, I still have those times where I “slip” up and the “old” me comes raging out like a bull that’s been tied up…. and my attitude is one of giving up.
“Ok, God… I’ve tried! I’ve done what I can! It’s not working… what am I doing wrong? I don’t feel like trying anymore… I’m tired of working so hard. I’m tired of listening….”
It will never “work” and it will always end in chaos if the peace does not begin with me and me alone. Am I at peace with myself? With God and myself? I have to sow peace within myself first before I can harvest it for others…
So that’s where I am right now. Finding peace and contentment in God, first and foremost, and allowing Him to use the little things for good. Finding joy in my weirdo puppy… being ok when the biscuits turn out hard and lumpy… Thanking God for the walk to the store in the snow…. and just being ok being where I am.
God has brought me to this place that I keep finding myself in…. I am like Moses, looking for a wandering sheep, being just fine living the life I am living, and stumbling across a burning bush that changes everything. Now I’m not going to free the Israelites or anything, but I am dealing with my own Pharaoh. “Let me people go” translates to “Let myself go”… let God rescue me out of this bondage, and be free from slavery to the little things, and trust that when I come to the Red Sea that the waters will part, and I will pass through. God will provide food and water and shelter, and bring me into the Promised Land.
I don’t want to keep wandering in the desert… I am trusting Him with the little things, and letting Him use them to bring me joy, help me sow peace, and eventually harvest righteousness.
Lord, I pray that you will continue the great work that you have begun in me. Take the small things that crop up every day and allow me to turn them around and plant them for a harvest of peace. Keep Austin safe and strong as he finishes his last week in the field…. and help me to create a joyful and peace-filled home for him to come home to.
Life as an Army Wife 