Please Come Home Soon

Halfway there… 6 months done. 6 months to go.

Come home soon… Please take the time to watch/listen to this song while you are reading. A little insight into what my life is like. Wondering and praying.

Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real, you still believed it – even if just for a minute – when you woke up? Austin was home. I was so sure he would be there when I woke up. I could hear him downstairs making coffee in the kitchen. Upon my descent into the living room, dimly lit by the winter morning sky, I found my sweet Molly patiently waiting for me with a spring in her step, a squeaky cow toy in her mouth, and an expression that clearly says “can we play now??”

While this image warms my heart and makes getting up worthwhile… he is still not there. And the thought of that almost breaks me.

Another day in the life of an Army wife. Not just the realities of a deployed soldier – but a husband, best friend, everything… gone for 12 months. Living overseas – thousands of miles from family and all you’ve ever known. Having daily conversations with her faithful dog whose only response is a head turned to the side, a frisbee dropped at my feet, and a bark here and there.

While the first 6 months kinda went by fast… at least looking back…. this second half is CRAWLING by… Is it still January?? Only 9 days in…

I’ve been pushing through crazy emotions, sadness, loneliness, and anything else depressing… through the first few months he was gone, a trip home, two funerals, more months passing, 1st Anniversary, finding a best friend, late-night neighborhood talks, puppies playing, endless FRG meetings, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, family, friends, laughter and tears, surprises, good news and bad… I’ve done my best to keep a positive attitude – only with God’s help did I come close to maintaining this 🙂 I’ve stayed busy. I’ve kept a smile on my face. I’ve done all I can to help others – to go out of my way to make sure everyone else is ok.

I have had some wonderful, life-changing moments and made some life-long friends… and I wouldn’t change those for anything. Helping a dear neighbor through a difficult situation. Watching as another neighbor’s hubby returned for the birth of their baby – and babysitting the precious girl 🙂 Meeting a random girl on a yard sale website and becoming best friends – spending my anniversary stuffing my face with Chinese food! A dear friend and soldier’s funeral – my heart will never forget. Walking through good times and bad with dear friends and fellow Army wives here – being able to answer a phone call when they need me the most and crying along with them. And most recently this week, being there for the glorious arrival of a beautiful baby girl and helping a new mom (at least new to having 3 kids and no husband to help) take care of her two precious boys and new angel until her husband arrived for R&R.

God has definitely provided some amazing opportunities to be there for others and to allow others to be there for me. I have grown tremendously and can see a little more of the “bigger picture”.

But now… I JUST WANT HIM HOME. That’s all. I want my turn. I want my picture of me running into his arms. I want to be the one disappearing for two weeks. And then I want to close my eyes only to open them to him walking back through the door to stay.

And until then, I just want to lock myself away, stay in my pajamas all day, eat until I can’t eat anymore, cry my eyes out every day, never answer the phone, watch every movie ever made, and just plain be miserable. It would be so easy.

But I’m not. I won’t. I can’t.

I will keep going. I will keep smiling. I will keep praying. I will keep busy. I will continue caring. I will be strong. I will endure. I will be faithful. And I will be waiting here for my soldier’s return.

Why? Because I am a U.S. Army Soldier’s Wife.

Hooah.

¹ Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrew 12:1-3)

If I Lost It All

Kutless – I’m Still Yours

Before you read this, please watch/listen to the song on the above link…. it sums up what this whole post is about. It is the cry of my heart right now.

Where do I start… I realize that is has been quite a while since my last post. All I am going to say is that for some reason or another, I didn’t feel led or inspired to post. Numerous times I have sat down and typed out an update only to erase it or save it as a draft for later… God has continued to work in my own life and for some reason did not lead me to share it publicly. It has been a time of “filling” rather than “pouring”.

We are into our 3rd month of deployment… the days seems to crawl, but when I look back at the end of each week, the time seems to have flown. Austin is doing very well and is working on his tan while handing out tylenol and bandaids 🙂 I’m sure there have been times where his training has come into play and the serious side of his job goes into action…. though I remain unaware of the details, I am blessed to have a husband who remains positive through it all and continues to make my well-being a main focus. I am very blessed to have almost daily communication with him now (though for the first two months it was not so…. maybe one 15-minute phone call once a week, sometimes every two weeks), and blessed even more to have some great, Godly women here. We come alongside each other, sharing burdens as well as laughs (and sometimes some good food… ok, alot of times).

Though there is much sunshine (figuratively speaking – the sun is about to disappear for 6 months of snow and grey skies 😦 ) the rain is bound to come…

We all have been hit with the harsh reality of deployment…. the dreaded notification in your inbox, and worst of all those soldiers standing on your front steps in their Class A’s/Blues. It is heartbreaking enough to see the casualty email – I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for the notification to be yours.

We have had several brave and honorable men in our unit pay the ultimate price for freedom – and every life holds a special place in my heart. However, there are those that really break you. I experienced this earlier this summer when I found out about my life-long friend, PFC Jacob Dennis. Many of you know the story/details, so I won’t go into everything… his family and precious wife were the epitome of faithfulness during tragedy. God was certainly most glorified. I don’t understand why, but I trust that God’s perfect plan was for this to happen, for His greater glory and for Jacob’s ultimate joy.

Again, I have been rocked by the waves caused by tragedy…. this time without our unit/squadron. Major Paul Carron was killed in Afghanistan on Sept. 18, 2010, leaving behind his wife (and my friend) Susan, a daughter, Maddie, and his unborn son, Luke (due in 3 weeks).

Lord, you know more than anyone, I do not understand why. I know I am not the only one. Surround Susan and her two babies with your angels. Even though we may never understand the “why”, please give them the strength to continue to trust You. We know that Paul is right there with you now, and we celebrate that. But we also know you are faithful to continue your work here on earth in the family he left behind. Use these circumstances for your glory, as only you can. Lord, bring up a “cloud of witnesses” to surround her in this time of need. Give Susan the words to say when she needs to say them, give her a time of rest when she needs rest, and throughout it all overwhelm her with your peace that surpasses all understanding.

All I know to do is pray. And I continue to do so “without ceasing.”

It is no wonder that I am just beginning a Bible study through PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) here on post called Trusting God: Is God In Control?

I feel like I am trusting God but at the same time I am questioning… well, questioning God isn’t really trusting Him. What I mean is, I am questioning myself… I know, without a doubt, that God is trustworthy, faithful, in control, etc. However, a question asked at least week’s Bible study got me thinking: Can you trust God? But just as important, can you trust God.

As much as I trust God, if I ever am in Susan’s place, will I continue to trust Him? Not only that God is in control, but that every circumstance, every situation, everything that is allowed to happen to me, is not only for God’s glory, but also for my greater good? I don’t know about you, but I don’t count losing my husband as “good”.

First question: is God really in control? Or does He just watch as the world turns and decides to show up when He’s “needed”?

“Life is not a straight line leading from one blessing to the next. Life is a winding troubled road. Switchback after switchback. And the point of Biblical stories like Joseph and Job and Esther and Ruth is to help us feel in our bones (not just in our heads) that God is for us in all these strange turns. God is not just showing up after the trouble and cleaning it up. He is plotting the course and managing the troubles with far-reaching purposes for our good and for the glory of Christ.” -John Piper

God sustains us (Heb. 1:3) and holds everything together (Col. 1:17). He holds the stars (Is. 40:26) and gives everything life (Neh. 9:6; Ps. 147:8-9). He holds our times (Ps. 31:15), meets our needs (2 Cor. 9:10), and has our very being, our lives, all of our steps (Acts 17:25, 28).

God also governs us, rules all things (1 Chron. 29:12), rules alone (1 Tim. 6:15), and watches over all things (Matt. 10:29). He decrees words before they are spoken (Lam. 3:37) and does as He pleases (Dan. 4:17, 35). His ways are higher (Is. 55:9), His judgments are unsearchable (Rom. 11:33), and nothing occurs without His permission (Job 1:12, 2:6 and Luke 22:31-32).

He either permits it or bring it about. Nothing is too large or small. So who are we to question God’s sovereignty?  He has given us every reason to to trust Him (see all the above verses). Often, we question what we do not understand…. but even when we do not understand our circumstances, our perspective of God should not change. Because God doesn’t act like we think He should, we come to the conclusion that He is either lying about being in control and seeking His glory, or lying about doing everything for our good. When really, both are always true.

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. In order to understand this statement (by John Piper) more, please read Is Jesus an Egomaniac? Piper’s main goal in this message is that yes, Jesus is an egomaniac! He is all about Himself. God is all about God’s glory. He created us for His glory, etc. And in creating us for His glory, we find our greatest joy in glorifying God. So basically, God is fulfilling our greatest joy by bring Himself glory! Though we don’t see it at times, and we will never understand until we stand face to face with Him… everything that God permits to happen or makes happen is for His higher purpose, for His greater glory.

It all comes down to asking myself some tough questions. Will God be given glory if I choose not to accept His will or act according to His purpose? YES! BUT, will God be MORE glorified if I accept that God is trustworthy, in control, and acting according to my joy and His glory? Oh yes… and in my choosing to trust Him at ALL times, God will be glorified and I will be satisfied.

But I still question… what about when I suffer? What about other people who suffer?

“Suffering in the path of Christian obedience, with joy – because the steadfast love of the Lord is better than life (Psalm 63:3) – is the clearest display of the worth of God in our lives. Therefore, faith-filled suffering is essential in this world for the most intense, authentic worship. When we are most satisfied with God in suffering, he will be most glorified in us in worship. Our problem is not styles of music. Our problem is styles of life. When we embrace more affliction for the worth of Christ, there will be more fruit in the worship of Christ.” – John Piper (Tested By Fire)

By no means am I settled about this… I am still seeking answers, some that I may never get. I am simply sharing some of what Christ has been teaching me…. we’re getting there. Well, Christ is already “there” and I’m trudging somewhere behind (He came back to meet me and help me along the way 🙂 but that’s another post…. )

My heart is still breaking… it all seems so unfair. It’s so easy to become angry… Lord, take hold of my heart and sew it back together with peace. Replace the anger and questions with faith and trust.

Like a fragile piece of pottery, I am breaking… some pieces are lost. The ones that need to be there, are there – and God fills the holes with Himself. Goodness. Peace. Patience. Kindness. All those good things 🙂 He is making a new pot to plant my mustard seed of faith in – growing it it with the rain (the hard times, the tragedies, the sadness) and the sun (laughter, friends, love).

I am finding peace in God’s Word…. “Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.” Lamentations 3:32-33

Please join my in lifting up Susan in prayer – in confidence that God will continue to show His compassion on her and her sweet babies, for “so great is His unfailing love.”

In memory and honor of Major Paul Carron, soldier of the U.S. Army and soldier of Christ.

If You washed away my vanity
If You took away my words
If all my world was swept away
Would You be enough for me?
Would my beating heart still sing?

When my life is not what I expected
The plans I made have failed
When there’s nothing left to steal me away
Will You be enough for me?
Will my broken heart still sing?

If I lost it all
Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives
And takes away

If You take it all
This life You’ve given
Still my heart
Will sing to You

Even if You take it all away
You’ll never let me go
Take it all away
But I still know

That I’m Yours
I’m still Yours

A Mighty Fortress

A Mighty Fortress – Christy Nockels

It’s amazing how God makes Himself known – makes His presence felt… When you go looking for Him, asking for Him to wrap you up in His arms and surround you with His peace… He’s already there. He’s been there the whole time, waiting for you to seek Him.

⁹“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. (Luke 11:9-10)

⁷“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:7).

God does not say “seek, go over the mountain and through the woods, and then you will find…” No – He says “seek & you will find.” There is no “middle-man”, no catch, no hidden map. We will find God when we seek Him, because He is already there.

I have been earnestly seeking God – the need to feel His presence – since my heart left for the desert last night… I’ve never felt so empty & yet so full at the same time.

Obviously, I am an emotional roller-coaster – lack of sleep isn’t helping – however, I still feel peace. The second my mind begins to wander, and pulse begins to quicken, and the tears well up… God is there. Holding my hand. Wrapping His arms around me. Telling me it’s going to be okay. You see, God holds my husband’s heart. And so when Austin would hold me hand, it’s now God’s. When Austin would wrap His arms around me, it’s now God’s arms. And when Austin would tell me everything’s going to be ok, God reassures me through His Word.

The tears still fall, and the ache is still there where it will remain for the next 12 months. But Austin and I both know that God will take care of our hearts while we are apart. He has a plan for both of us, and will bring us through the fire to make us stronger, make us more like who He wants us to be. The closer we draw to Him, the closer we are to each other, and the closer we are to His heart & His will.

⁹ This third I will bring into the fire;
I will refine them like silver
and test them like gold.
They will call on my name
and I will answer them;
I will say, ‘They are my people,’
and they will say, ‘The LORD is our God.’ ” (Zechariah 13:9)

⁶In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:6-8)

It is day one of this journey called deployment. There is a long, rigorous road ahead for Austin & I… but the One who made the rocks the road is made out of is our Guide. He is our horse to ride when we are weary and cannot walk anymore. He is our drink when our throats are parched. He is the hand that reaches out when we are about to fall. He is the firm foothold when the ground shakes. He is everything we need.

⁹But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor. 12:9-10)

²⁵“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[b]?

²⁸“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:25-34)

Living for today, remembering yesterday, and looking for tomorrow only when tomorrow comes.

I don’t focus on the “hardest day of my life” – dropping off my husband, not knowing where he will be, what he will be going through, when I will hear his voice again…. – because each day will be hard. There will be even more “hard days” ahead…. but I have peace.

⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:6-9)

The bags were packed and loaded in the car… we sat on the couch in the living room, feeling unprepared all of the sudden. The moment seems bearable until you’re in it. We immediately went upstairs and kneeled beside the bed like we have done every night, and went before the Lord in prayer. We did not speak many words – just that Austin would be protected on all sides, from physical & spiritual warfare. To be kept safe & sane, and to be prepared for what each day might bring. For the opportunities Austin will have as the only medic for his platoon, as well as the challenges he will face. And to guard our hearts & minds from the attacks of satan – to keep us both strong, not of ourselves or our own power, but through God’s alone. And to keep us close to each other.

I am so beyond grateful for & blessed by our friends & family – the unending support & love that is extending to us. I could not be doing this without you. Already, God is using you to speak to me, and encourage me. Just a short comment from dear friends does wonders.

I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life – but my tears that begin from anxious thoughts, a worried mind, and a broken heart… fall with joy, peace, & comfort. Knowing that the God of the Universe who created Austin and gives him each breath is with him every step. He is planting his feet on solid ground, even when the world shakes. He is guiding his hands, healing through him, keeping him steady & even, even when the adrenaline is coursing. He is protecting his heart & mind in the midst of warfare. He is surrounding him with a Mighty Fortress.

The song, A Mighty Fortress keeps coming to me… beginning several months back, and again today through a dear friend posting a video on facebook. I did not remember the passage that this song is based off of, and went searching for it. Upon finding the verses, I remembered them vividly – the very verses that I had written on the inside of Austin’s ACU’s just days before. I will never cease to be amazed at how God loves me so much, that He will use little things in my life to remind me & encourage me.

¹ God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. ² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, ³ though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. ⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. ⁵ God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. ⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. ⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. (Psalm 46:1-7)

Day one. In my weakness, He is strong. A Mighty Fortress – a sacred refuge, unshakable.

¹ Praise be to the LORD my Rock,
who trains my hands for war,
my fingers for battle.

² He is my loving God and my fortress,
my stronghold and my deliverer,
my shield, in whom I take refuge,
who subdues peoples ^[a] under me. (Psalm 144)

Whom Shall I Fear?

Our God – Chris Tomlin

And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?

And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?

During this next week, we are continuing to prepare for mountain we are approaching. As time closes in on us, God is constantly reminding us that He would not allow us to go through anything that we cannot handle… The key is to not rely on ourselves, but on Christ. He has already prepared us. He has equipped us with everything we might need to live a Godly life – through His Word, He has encouraged us & prepared us for any and all circumstances, including deployment.

¹²In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, ¹³while evil men and impostors will go from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. ¹⁴But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it,¹⁵and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. ¹⁶All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, ¹⁷so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.. (2 Timothy 3:12-17)

Austin is about to enter into a warfare-torn, spiritually-dead place… There will be challenges around every corner, & satan is ready to step in at a moment’s notice. HOWEVER, God has already won 🙂 God already has Austin in His hands…. He dwells within his heart, speaks to him through His Word, encourages Him through his family & friends, and has “equipped (him) for every good work”, including whatever God’s plans are for Austin during the next 12 months….

FAMILY PHOTO ❤

While we would choose NOT deploying over deploying (duh… haha)… it is happening. Aside from all the dangers, extreme weather, being surrounded by guys who might not have access to showers, and being apart from his wife, family, & friends…. Austin is EXCITED to be going on “the most awesome adventure any boy has ever dreamed of” 🙂 If you know Austin, this will not come as a surprise to you! He is pumped about facing new challenges, having extreme & unique experience for his future career, & of course…. being able to carry a really big gun 🙂

After a few brief (ok… maybe not so brief) moments of worry, fear, panic, etc… over packing lists, mailing addresses, briefings, LACK of information, making sure he has anything & everything he might possibly need…. I handed the situation, and Austin, over to the only ONE who has all the information. I have a feeling this is going to be a daily occurrence for me.

While no one will ever feel fully prepared for any deployment scenario… I feel that we are as prepared as we can be. We have prayed UNCEASINGLY for safety & protection over Austin & all his fellow soldiers as they travel, in-process, & begin their mission… we’ve got the sunscreen, bugspray, 3 toothbrushes, SOAP… you get the picture 🙂 Today as we continued to pack, and as I LABELED absolutely everything I could get my hands on (Thanks, MOM!!!!!! haha) I turned all of Austin’s ACU’s inside out and wrote Scriptures on the sleeves & pants legs as I prayed over them…. that each time he puts them on, he would read the verses and be encouraged… & that he would be covered in the Armor of God.

We have been given a day that he is leaving…. obviously, I cannot share this for security reasons. Please keep us in your thoughts & prayers over the next few weeks as we go through this transition…. Austin & I have been looking for a book/devotion of sorts to go through together as part of our “Marriage Goals” during the next year – so far we have decided on The Love Dare… any ideas? suggestions?

As some may know, I do not like to ask for help…. however, God’s Word does say only if you ask will you receive… so if God says it 🙂

Our needs for the next year include, but are not limited to: PRAYER!!! Unending prayer (I posted a link about how to pray for a soldier on my previous post)…. LETTERS/CARDS – as soon as I get Austin’s address, I will give it out to those that want it. Please let me know if you want his address!…. BOOKS – we invested in a Kindle (electronic book) for Austin, as he is an AVID reader 🙂 we have a wish-list on Amazon, but can only receive gift-certificates in order to buy those books as a gift. If you would like to donate a book to Austin, please send me a message/email/call etc. & I will tell you how you can do this…. The BEST way to communicate with Austin is through email – if you need his email, please leave a comment, send a facebook message, send me an email, call me…. just get in touch with me or my parents somehow and we will give it to you 🙂 Even if its just an encouraging note, a Bible verse… anything is appreciated!

Psalm 27:1-6
The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid? When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD.

Armor

^“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints” (Ephesians 6:10-18).

Months of training, nights at the range, briefings, meetings, and finally a few weeks of rest…. now we are waiting for “the call.”

In the days/weeks that we have left before Austin goes down range, we are taking each day as it comes…. focusing on today only, taking advantage of every opportunity that is given us, and simply enjoying being together.

It would be very easy to fall into panic/worry about the impending deployment, however we are choosing to spend our time preparing ourselves in a positive way: we are putting on our armor.

Austin, like his fellow soldiers, arms himself with physical armor and weapons. But he also arms himself with the armor of God. We are preparing for not only physical, but mental and spiritual warfare as well.

We are asking for everyone to make a commitment to join him on the front lines as a prayer warrior… The following is an article on how to pray for a soldier:

http://www.christianmilitarywives.com/magazine/category/16756

As for me, we are going to celebrate my birthday next week by going to see a movie (at an actual movie theater off post! haha) and Starbucks in Nuremberg! It’s hard to believe I’ll be 23….

I’m still figuring out what my “plan” is during the next year…. School is a definite! I’m either going to finish my education degree (which is looking very difficult right now), or change to Psychology… or English… it just depends on what is available online, sigh…

I’ll be visiting home OFTEN 🙂 and in the meantime, I have projects planned for each month… including learning to quilt, re-finishing a table/chairs, traveling, finally reading all the books on my shelf…

As soon as I have Austin’s address, I’m asking our friends & family to write him as often as possible! If you want his address, just send me a message/email… Receiving letters & packages is such an encouragement! Email is also welcome…

I hope to be updating more often during the next year, keeping everyone updated on Austin as well as myself, and of course Molly 🙂

We went to the BEST Braves game of the year while we were home on leave. Went into the 9th inning, down 9-3. After a few runs, we WON with a grand-slam!!!

We were so blessed to spend time with precious friends & family 🙂

Since returning to Germany, we have enjoyed MANY days of great weather (finally!)… we took advantage of it by getting rid of the ugly, overgrown bushes in front of our house, and replacing them with mulch, and rock-border, and my beloved flowers! I have such a wonderful hubby who would take time out of his day off and help me work in the yard 🙂

We have been very blessed with time – Austin has not had to work past lunch in the past 2 weeks, and we are loving spending so much time together…. He is getting spoiled with all the cooking I’m doing before he leaves! Steak, fish, chicken chili, homemade banana pudding, strawberry shortcake, pecan pie… Needless to say I will be getting back into a running/working out routine SOON! I’m thinking about investing in the P90x program… Has anyone used this?

And as always, Molly is HAPPY & full of energy… she is a constant companion, always looking out for me 🙂 Her life was on the line during a recent chewing incident when the door to Austin’s “Army room” was accidentally left open… However, after many hugs & kisses all was forgiven.

To sum things up, we are doing as well as we possibly could… God has been preparing us for what’s ahead, and has equipped us with all that we need to face each day. We are putting on our armor daily, going in to face the battle together.

“Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.”

Letting Go Gives a Better Grip

I’m finding that letting go gives a better grip…. I’m finding everything I’ll ever need, by giving up gaining everything… Right here at Your feet, where I wanna be:   Forever & Ever

In the past few weeks, the weather has FINALLY been warming up here!!! All signs of snow are gone… at least for a few months haha… We are able to enjoy our walks, instead of walking as fast as we can to get it over with or carrying a ton of groceries at the same time, & Molly is enjoying the numerous games of frisbee every day! Our list of things to do before deployment is slowly getting shorter, and in the meantime God is blessing us with the feeling of longer days together. We are also going through some classes that are strengthening our marriage, including Family Resiliency training and a marriage retreat coming up soon that we are really looking forward to 🙂

I feel so incredibly blessed… In our devotion this morning, Austin & I read about how many times we as humans focus on the future, or what God has in store for us in the future. However, God wants us to think about and focus on what He’s doing right here, right now, in us and through us. Often we find ourselves asking for God to show Him to us through experiences, or to show us/lead us to where we are supposed to be going, not realizing that He shows us Himself every day through each other, through other people, through ourselves and He reveals to us everyday where we are going. We just need to focus on what He has already shown us, and what He is showing us and doing today. Wow.

Austin & I have been looking so much to the future… partly because we have to to prepare adequately for deployment, but I must confess that some of that looking ahead is “worry” very cleverly cloaked by “planning.” Many discussions within our house have centered around this – “but we need to….” or “have you done _____ yet?” or even “we HAVE to do this NOW!”

On one hand, these are all very legitimate “concerns” and important things that must be completed within the next month or two… however, I often let them take control of my day, my conversations, my thoughts/worries, etc. How dare they??? Hmmm…. Maybe it’s more like, how could I? Common excuses go something like this: “But I would stop worrying as soon as they get done”

Honestly, even when these things get done… and I know they will…. I will just find something else to worry about. Until I displace my worry with something else. I cannot wish it away, and sometimes I cannot even will it away… But I can replace it with something else through prayer.

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express” (Romans 8:26).

It’s not a one time thing: say one prayer and all your worries are gone. It’s not about the way you pray: you didn’t say it right, or you didn’t have enough faith in your prayer so you still have worries.

I have to pray these things daily, sometimes many times a day. When I lay out my worries before God, and turn my concerns into prayers, I know that God hears me and knows… and He replaces those worries with His peace that goes beyond all understanding.

Some days, I hold on to my worries…. “No, God. Let me just hang on to them a little more. Maybe I can do something about them on my own.” or “But if I don’t worry about these things, they won’t get done, or it means I don’t care…”

Lies of satan.

I think that stinker gets more people away from God this way than any other way. Little whispers, twisting God’s truth. He’s been doing it since the beginning…

Cast satan away. God already has. Cast ALL your cares, worries, concerns, thoughts, everything upon the Lord. He’s already taken care of them!

Letting go of the unnecessary worries allows for a better grip on God.

SO, as we are preparing for deployment and taking care of all we need to, working our way down “the checklist”, we are growing closer together, closer to God, and continually renewing our strength through Him.

In the meantime, we have enjoyed a lot of “down time” during a couple 4-day weekends. We explored Amberg & Nuremberg 🙂 Delicious food, beautiful sights, Starbucks (of course), and a few unexpected adventures in between.

And of course we can’t forget our baby girl, Molly!

She turns 1          this month!!!

April 27th

Happy 1st             Birthday!!!

OF COURSE!! How could I forget our biggest news update….. WE ARE COMING HOME!!!

We are taking a week of leave in May and visiting our family in the States 🙂 We are SOOOO excited!!! In 4 weeks, we will be waking up in Georgia!!! We have big plans for hanging out with the family, Chickfila, Cafe Intermezzo, BBQ, seeing our BFF’s and a haircut! Hey, after living here you appreciate the little things 🙂

It is Well

A dear friend shared this at an Army Wives’ Bible Study a few weeks ago… Any military spouse cannot read this without crying! Haha… It really hits home for a lot of us – it is SO easy to get caught up in life and all that we have to do. Sometimes we feel like we don’t make a difference  – our husbands are training, working, fighting, protecting, etc. and we seem to fade into the background at times. However, we all need a reminder that our job as part of the “silent ranks” (which, but the way, are not so silent) , is important 🙂

The Commissary Roadblock

It was just another harried Wednesday afternoon trip to the commissary. My husband was off teaching young men to fly. My daughters went about their daily activities knowing I would return to them at the appointed time, bearing among other things, their favorite fruit snacks,frozen pizza, and all the little extras that never had to be written down on a grocery list. My grocery list, by the way, was in my 16-month-old daughter’s mouth, and I was lamenting the fact that the next four aisles of needed items would have to come from memory.

I was turning onto the hygiene/baby aisle while extracting the last of my list out of my daughter’s mouth when I nearly ran over an old man. He clearly had no appreciation for the fact that I had forty-five minutes left to finish the grocery shopping, pick up my four-year-old from tumbling class, and get to school, where my twelve-year- old and her carpool mates would be waiting.

The man was standing in front of the soap selection, staring blankly as if he’d never had to choose a bar of soap in his life. I was ready to bark an order at him when I realized there was a tear on his face. Instantly, this grocery aisle roadblock transformed into a human.

“Can I help you find something?” I asked. He hesitated, and then told me he was looking for soap.
“Any one in particular?” I continued.
“Well, I’m trying to find my wife’s brand of soap.”I was about to loan him my cell phone so he could call her when
he said, “She died a year ago, and I just want to smell her again.”

Chills ran down my spine. I don’t think the 22,000-pound mother of all bombs could have had the same impact. As tears welled up in my eyes, my half-eaten grocery list didn’t seem so important. Neither did fruit snacks or frozen pizza. I spent the remainder of my time in the commissary that day listening to a man tell the story of how important his wife was to him—and how she took care of their children while he fought for our country.

My life was forever changed that day. Sometimes the monotony of laundry, housecleaning, grocery shopping and taxi driving leave military wives feeling empty—the kind of emptiness that is rarely fulfilled when our husbands don’t want to or can’t talk about work. We need to be reminded, at times, of the important role we fill for our family and for our country. Every time
my husband comes home too late or leaves before the crack of dawn, I try to remember the sense of importance I felt in the commissary.

Even a retired, decorated World War II pilot who served in missions to protect Americans needed the protection of the woman who served him at home.

WAY overdue for an update…. It’s been a little busy around here! Hubby returned from the field to walk into a house FULL of our things!!! I was so proud of our little house – I had worked for a solid week unpacking boxes, drowning in bubble wrap and paper,  putting together two bookshelves and eventually a dining room table, going up and down, up and down the stairs, and getting everything exactly where I wanted it….. at least for now 🙂

To my surprise and delight, my husband didn’t even make it through the doorway before he dropped all of his ridiculous-heavy bags and grabbed me up in his arms 🙂 It was wonderful….

Of course, he eventually realized that there were way more pairs of shoes in the foyer than when he left, and began running around the house trying to take it all in. Oh what a happy day!

The majority of our household goods that I’ve waited 2 1/2 months for, Austin hasn’t seen in over a year!!! While I am beyond excited and oh so grateful for all of our possessions (especially that they arrived in one piece), the past 2+ months have changed my perspective, yet again. All of these things that I have lived with daily for years, I thought I “needed”. That is, until I was living without them, not knowing when or if they would ever get here. We had to adjust our lives, and in the process God has taught us so much and drawn us even closer to him and to each other. Of course, now that our things have arrived along with our Jeep (finally! But that’s a whole ‘nother story….) we are making another adjustment.

It is SO easy to get caught up in the “things” of life…. even just trying to keep my house “clean” (which, according to my standards calls for a major deep-cleaning once a week, vacuuming almost daily, and no dishes in the sink, ever) can get in the way of the life and blessings that God has given…. I have missed opportunities to simply enjoy being with my husband because I was so concerned with the laundry or the dirt on the floor… I have to give myself a reality-check at those times – “Remember how you were living? And you were just fine and happy? It’s OK, that can wait… this, this beautiful life full of opportunities and precious moments that cannot be taken back, nor forgotten awaits. Pursue it. Enjoy it. Live it.”

The whispers of the Holy Spirit have been washing over me like a spring breeze… sometimes I need a little rain and thunder as well.

The sun keeps fighting its way through the clouds a little more every day. Snow is in the past…. at least I hope! The birds are chirping incessantly… even at 5 in the morning. But it’s just another reminder of God’s beautiful creation and the changing of the seasons.

I feel myself entering a new season as well… While our circumstances are slightly coinciding with this shift, it is not dependent on them. I am determined to enjoy every single second with Austin before he leaves and take each day as it comes, with whatever it brings. (Easier said than done, obviously). But the key is knowing that I, on my own, will fail every time. It is through God and the strength and peace that surpasses all understanding that I can.

On another note, I have decided to start getting up with Austin in the morning…. this means 5:30 AM. This is morning #1. So far, so good! Listening to Pandora (amazing music site, if you’ve never been…. http://www.pandora.com or google search for pandora radio), about to make some coffee, devotion, updating the blog… time to myself and God – this time is (and will remain) absent of the pressing things of the day.

We have a lot to accomplish in the next few months, and some big changes are coming…. But we’re ready, at least for today. Tomorrow can wait 🙂

If you have 4 minutes, listen to this: Kutless – “It is Well”

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

It’s time for healing time to move on
It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It’s time to find my way to where I belong
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender…
To…

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something Heavenly
Time to face up
Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It’s time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Whatever God is doing, I have felt a tiny tornado building up inside. Within the swirl is a tangled mess of my circumstances with finding contentment, my own strength wrestling with surrender to God’s control, finding joy in the simple things jumbled with consuming solitude, and finally nurturing friendships in a constant struggle with pulling away. It feels like chaos…. but somehow there’s peace.

I don’t necessarily “feel” that peace every day, or even throughout one single day. But I know that God’s peace is not based on my circumstances and is not ruled by my will. It is a promise – unconditional, because that’s what God is. He is as much loving as He is just, and as much giving of peace as allowing circumstances to shake me. The question always comes down to, will I allow myself to be shaken?

God is not the One doing the shaking… though sometimes it seems like it, and can be easier to deal with if we believe this is true. It’s easy to be mad or frustrated at God – we know He’s not going to get angry with us and storm off. So if God is the One who is standing still, never moving away from us, never shifting according to our feelings, our perspectives, or our circumstances, why am I not standing with Him?

My life is a constant battle within myself – trusting God, finding shelter in His wings, living, breathing, and walking in His peace and control, but at the same time questioning what He’s doing, wandering from His shelter looking for what He wants me to do, attempting to create my own peace.

Since moving to Germany, I have grown closer in my walk with God than ever…. and yet, I feel like I have “done” nothing. I mean, come on…. I’ve led Bible studies, I’ve worked in church for years, I’ve been surrounded by encouraging and inspiring people, I’ve lived in China for 6 weeks, I planned a wedding in 7, and given up the life I knew and was comfortable with, my school, my family, my friends, to move across the world with my husband…. big things in my life, big things that God has used in miraculous ways to change me and others. Don’t get me wrong, God uses big things all the time, but I am also finding that the little things are what really affect me, personally.

A dear friend of mine here – that I have felt like I’ve known for way longer than a few weeks – and I were chatting the other day about how satan uses little things in our life to attack us. We both could relate in that big things don’t really shake us…. we can handle huge things in our life. But it’s in the little things every day that really have an affect us. We have two choices: let them shake us, or stand on God’s solid foundation.

I’ve come through moving here, living in a spare room for 6 weeks, unending paperwork, handling housing, finance, and our things being moved in by myself, puppy problems, weather, feeling so alone, and finding friends…. Not without some struggle, mind you, but I’ve come through it stronger and closer to my Lord.

So why Lord, why are these silly, little things bothering me so much?? Am I climbing aimlessly over the “mountains” in my life only to find myself in a valley called “What am I going to cook for dinner?”

I love taking care of people – I thrive on and find ultimate joy in helping others, in being a good friend, in reaching out to those who need it…. and I don’t mind asking for help sometimes. But when I really get down and dirty, honest with myself and with God, I don’t like to help myself. Not so much help myself, but focus on myself.. Not in the selfish, “it’s all about me and my schedule and my wants” kind of way, but the “what do I really need, what do I need to change, what do I need to think about….”

I think I’m even confusing myself here, haha… What am I trying to say?

Ok, my house is ALWAYS clean and organized. Everything has a place. I do the dishes as soon as I’m done eating, they do not just sit in the sink until I feel like doing them. I decorate according to functionality and balance. Even the “random” placement of things turns out to be asymmetrical. I make my bed every morning, the pillows are always arranged the same way. I have a place for my phone in every room, and I open the blinds the same way every morning. Dirty clothes never pile up, and I wash according to each color. My towels are all folding the exact same way in the closet…. and I’m pretty sure I would die without sticky notes.

Someone could come into my house, move every single thing, throw it all around, dump out every drawer and empty every cabinet… and I’m pretty sure I could handle that better than if someone came in and turned a towel the opposite direction or tracked a muddy shoe print across my clean floor or turned a single blind the wrong way.

Crazy? No….. OCD, perhaps. (Thank Mom 🙂 I love you! )

Do you understand a little better now? It’s the little things that get me…. the little things that create chaos inside me. They build up and build up, and I try to deal with it on my own…. cause come on, it’s so silly to get worked up over something so small…. right?

Confession: (to some this may not come as a surprise 🙂 ) when I let the little things get to me, or when I’m overwhelmed or frustrated… it comes out in words. Not cursing or anything like that. Just expressing just how frustrated or angry I am, or even things like, “Gah, this dog will NOT go potty outside!” or “Ugh, more snow??”… These words are not controlled by well-planned thoughts and they are not serving a purpose like having a conversation with a friend. Most of the time, it’s when I’m by myself.

Man, now there’s flour all over the clean floor… The dog had another accident in the house?…. Oh no, I don’t have any more butter???…. They scratched up my coffee table?!?!? What clumsy, lazy people!!… They lost our paperwork again?? Come on…. Dog, it’s a trash can, please stop barking… Why hasn’t Austin called?? Why didn’t he text me back??….Blah blah blah

I can get so worked up, it’s ridiculous…. But why? Something so small can have such a huge affect on me…. God shed a little light through James 3:

³When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. ⁴Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. ⁵Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. ⁶The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

⁷All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, ⁸but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

⁹With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. ¹¹Can both fresh water and salt^[a] water flow from the same spring? ¹²My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

If the little things are not under control, the big things become chaos.

Two Kinds of Wisdom

¹³Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. ¹⁴But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.¹⁵Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. ¹⁶For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

¹⁷But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.¹⁸Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

I had to ask myself, do I sow in peace? Maybe in others… I serve others, I love others, I am a friend to others… but do I sow peace for myself? No matter my good intentions and all the “wonderful “actions toward others, the discord I have sown for myself always harvests unrighteousness that affects others.

I have tried on my own and with God to “fix” this and help me deal with the small things that have such a great affect on others: working on my relationships with my family and my husband, becoming a better communicator, seeing things from the other person’s perspective, being a better listener, etc…. All good and well, and I have seen a significant change for the better. However, I still have those times where I “slip” up and the “old” me comes raging out like a bull that’s been tied up…. and my attitude is one of giving up.

“Ok, God… I’ve tried! I’ve done what I can! It’s not working… what am I doing wrong? I don’t feel like trying anymore… I’m tired of working so hard. I’m tired of listening….”

It will never “work” and it will always end in chaos if the peace does not begin with me and me alone. Am I at peace with myself? With God and myself? I have to sow peace within myself first before I can harvest it for others…

So that’s where I am right now. Finding peace and contentment in God, first and foremost, and allowing Him to use the little things for good. Finding joy in my weirdo puppy… being ok when the biscuits turn out hard and lumpy… Thanking God for the walk to the store in the snow…. and just being ok being where I am.

God has brought me to this place that I keep finding myself in…. I am like Moses, looking for a wandering sheep, being just fine living the life I am living, and stumbling across a burning bush that changes everything. Now I’m not going to free the Israelites or anything, but I am dealing with my own Pharaoh. “Let me people go” translates to “Let myself go”…  let God rescue me out of this bondage, and be free from slavery to the little things, and trust that when I come to the Red Sea that the waters will part, and I will pass through. God will provide food and water and shelter, and bring me into the Promised Land.

I don’t want to keep wandering in the desert… I am trusting Him with the little things, and letting Him use them to bring me joy, help me sow peace, and eventually harvest righteousness.

Lord, I pray that you will continue the great work that you have begun in me. Take the small things that crop up every day and allow me to turn them around and plant them for a harvest of peace. Keep Austin safe and strong as he finishes his last week in the field…. and help me to create a joyful and peace-filled home for him to come home to.

A Cup of Tea

“I need oil,” said an ancient monk, so he planted an olive sapling. “Lord,” he prayed, “it needs rain that its tender roots may drink and swell. Send gentle showers.” And the Lord sent gentle showers. “Lord,” prayed the monk, “my tree needs sun. Send sun, I pray thee.” And the sun shone, gilding the dripping clouds. “Now frost, my Lord, to brace its tissues,” cried the monk. And behold, the little tree stood sparkling with frost, but at evening it died.

Then the monk sought out the cell of a brother monk, and told his strange experience. “I, too, planted a little tree,” he said, “and see! It thrives well. But I entrust my tree to its God. He who made it knows better what it needs than a man like me. I laid no condition. I fixed not ways or means. ‘Lord, send what it needs.’ I prayed, ‘storm or sunshine, wind, rain, or frost. Thou hast made it and Thou dost know.'”

I read this story in a book I am reading for an Army wives Bible study… The study is about calming an anxious heart (perfect for me! haha), and I have been reading about contentment despite circumstances and God’s control over mine. I think God is trying to tell me something….

The book uses a teacup analogy –  that like tea must be infused into water, God must infuse contentment into us, and through that we get tea or in our case, His strength to face all circumstances with contentment.

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:11-13)

I have found meaning in this verse and significance in the Christ-given strength through, not in spite of circumstances. I will never be able to take this on until I untwine my control from the strength Christ gives me. This is done through finding contentment. But  how can I do this? There are so many things to worry about and things on my list demanded my time and attention. How can I be content no matter what?

INFUSE: to cause to be permeated with something that alters usually for the better; to introduce one thing into another so as to affect it throughout; implies a pouring in of something that gives new life or significance.

“He infuses contentment into us through His Word. As it seeps into our minds, it transforms us. Just as a cup of tea gets stronger when we give it time to steep, so we become more content when we spend time in God’s Word and allow it to seep into our lives, transforming us to be like Him.”

So many times I have prayed Philippians 4:13… God, give me your strength, help me do this or that with your strength… and I wonder why I don’t feel an immediate surge of strength and ability to do whatever it is that I need to do.

However, I was missing part of the point… I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and I can do these things because I know that in ALL situations it is Christ alone who can and will strengthen me. He does not hand out strength according to our need or our circumstances… He is continually strengthening us as we continue to find our contentment in Him, like the tea that is becoming stronger the longer it steeps.

Back to the story of the monks… So many times I am the first monk, praying for what I think I need, or someone else needs. “God give me strength to handle this situation.” Instead of, “God give me what you know I need right now, whether it be time alone, a friend, an encouraging word, a challenge…” God uses each circumstance, good and bad, easy and hard, to infuse opportunities to be content as we grow into His strength –  as we find our contentment in Him rather than our circumstances.

“I know of no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned. Does the intellect balk at that? Can we say that there are things that happen to us that do not belong to our lovingly assigned “portion”, saying this belongs to it and that doesn’t? Are some things, then, out of control of the Almighty? Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the given portion other options are canceled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter. A quiet heart is content with what God gives.”

*written at a later time*

This morning, God brought me into Psalms (specifically 18 and 19). I have been reading in The Message lately, and it has given a whole new light to these passages. God is really speaking to me, and pushing me onward toward embracing the contentment that is always open and available in Him.

“God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before Him. When I got my act together, He gave me a fresh start. Now I’m alert to God’s ways; I don’t take God for granted. Every day I review the ways He works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to His eyes. ” (18:20-24)

“What a God! His road stretches straight and smooth. Every God-direction is road-tested. Everyone who runs toward him Makes it.” (18:30)

“The revelation of God is a whole and pulls our lives together. The signposts of God are clear and point out the road ahead. The life-maps of God are right, showing the way to joy. The directions of God are plain and easy on the eyes. God’s reputation is twenty-four-carat gold, with a lifetime guarantee. The decisions of God are accurate down to the nth degree. God’s Word is better than a diamond, better than a diamond set between emeralds. You’ll like it better than strawberries in spring, better than red, ripe strawberries. There’s more: God’s word warns us of danger and directs us to hidden treasure. Otherwise how will we find our way? Or know when we play the fool? Clean the slate, God, so we can start the day fresh! Keep me from stupid sins, from thinking I can take over your work. Then I can start this day sun-washed, scrubbed clean of the grime of sin. These are the words in my mouth; these are what I chew on and pray. Accept them when I place them on the morning altar, O God, my Altar-Rock.…” (19:7-14)

While this life is no “cup of tea” (haha, had to throw that in there 🙂 ) I am learning every day to accept my portion – my physical and emotional being, my abilities, circumstances, roles, and relationships – with the perspective that God determines what is best for my cup. God has given me this portion, this cup of tea…. I can refuse to take it, throwing it out in preference for what I think is best – OR I can grasp it by the handle and lift it to Him saying, “I accept Lord.”

Lord, send what I need. You have made me, and You alone know what I need…

Alone

“So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. (Genesis 32:24)
Left alone! What different emotions these words bring to mind for each of us! To some they mean loneliness and grief, but to others they may mean rest and quiet. To be left alone without God would be too horrible for words, while being left alone with Him is a taste of heaven! And if His followers spent more time alone with Him, we would have spiritual giants again.
Our Master set an example for us. Remember how often He went to be alone with God? And there was a powerful purpose behind His command, “When you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray” (Matt 6:6).

The greatest miracles of Elijah and Elisha took place when they were alone with God. Jacob was alone with God when he became a prince (see Gen. 32:28). In the same way, we too may become royalty and people who are “wondered at” (Zech. 3:8). Joshua was alone when the Lord came to him (see Josh. 1:1). Gideon and Jephthah were by themselves when commissioned to save Israel (see Judg. 6:11; 11:29). Moses was by himself at the burning bush (see Ex. 3:1-5). Cornelius was praying by himself when the Angel of God came to him (see Acts 10:1-4). No one was with Peter on the housetop when he was instructed to go to the Gentiles (see Acts 10:9-28). John the Baptist was alone in the wilderness (see Luke 1:80), and John the Beloved was alone on the island of Patmos when he was the closet to God (see Rev. 1:9).

Earnestly desire to get alone with God. If we neglect to do so, we not only rob ourselves of a blessing but rob others as well, since we will have no blessing to pass on to them. It may mean that we do less outward, visible work, but the work we do will have more depth and power. Another wonderful result will be that people will see “no one except Jesus” (Matt. 17:8) in our lives.

The impact of being alone with God in prayer cannot be overemphasized.
If chosen men had never been alone,
In deepest silence open-doored to God,
No greatness would ever have been dreamed or done.”

This was sent to me by a dear friend last week, from Streams in the Desert (awesome devotional, by the way). It could not have come at a more perfect time… I’ve never struggled so much with my emotions and being able to deal with change/unknown in my life! I go from “ok, I’ve got this” to “what am I going to do?”…

Austin is in the field on MRE (Mission Readiness Exercise) for the next three weeks… living in a tent. The good things is that he will be given opportunities for medic-specific training, finally. And he will be coming home to a house that I have been able to make more like a home. The few days he had here were very hectic, with alot needing to be done before he left. I felt SO bad, and had long to-do lists. But the wonderful man and husband that he is, didn’t complain and told me that he wanted to make sure I had everything I needed and that I was taken care of while he was gone… But when he returns, I have plans… and those plans, are to have no plans 🙂 To have several days of “down time” where we are able to just relax and enjoy our time together. While the things that need to get done are still there, they are not as pressing as the need to just be with my husband.

God has definitely been working – and I’m finding out more and more that the “work” part of working out your faith, is NOT easy! It’s easy to find the right verse, or say what you need to do, or read the right devotion, but doing it, living it day to day? That’s a whole ‘nother story.

While I am NOwhere near having it all together or my feelings –  that are so apt to run away or just run in circles – under control, I am taking it one day at a time.

The hardest part, is being “alone.” I am SO used to being surrounded by people… my family, my husband, my friends, coworkers, students, etc… and now I find myself alone the majority of the time. I’ve asked God why  – a dangerous endeavor in itself. Most of the time when you ask God why, you don’t like the answer, or you don’t get one at all. How frustrating!! But it has caused me to slow down, and spend more time in His Word. Without that time, I would literally go crazy, especially if left alone with my thoughts and feelings for too long. And nights are the worst…. cooking for one. Not having someone to talk about my day with over dinner. No one to hold my hand while watching a movie. No one to pray with me before falling asleep. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do – the most trying on my emotions and sanity. I literally ache sometimes – I don’t feel like myself.

And as I get sucked into another state of sadness, I look over and my puppy is asleep completely on her back… feet in the air… hahaha. Thank you Jesus for the little things.

Ugh! This could be so much worse… This is nothing compared to what others are going through, and their faith is so much greater than mine.

I am daily encouraged by a certain journal kept by a precious family from the church I grew up in back home – take a look sometime when you get the chance, and join many others as they are warriors of prayer for this family. http://www.caringbridge.org

Even as I “wallow” in my “aloneness” at times, I know I am never alone… My husband is always with me in my heart, and only a phone call away right now. My puppy is a constant companion and a gift from God – even if she does act a little bipolar at times (hey, it gives me something to think about other than my own circumstances). And of course, my God has been, is, and always will be with me – even though I don’t “feel” His presence all the time…

I had a beautiful time of fellowship with God yesterday – I actually read through the whole book of Ephesians! I listened to some great worship music… specifically Cristy Nockels “A Mighty Fortress” (one of my favorites), and actually got goosebumps and had to close my eyes… It was the best feeling. Peace. Oh to feel such peace! I would spend every waking second in a moment like that if I could… But I am human, and fall prey to the distractions and demands of the world we live in.

I must admit that today was almost the complete opposite of yesterday… I’m worried about my puppy’s behavior (more “accidents” lately, acting nervous around me, refusing to go potty outside unless we walk for 30 minutes, sleeping more, etc), most likely due to so many changes lately – new people, new house, and then one of those persons not being around like normal. Ended up walking to the grocery store not once, but twice, only to find the beans I forgot the first time are now out of stock. Walking to the library to print papers, while getting rained on, to find they are not open for another hour. Having to buy another phone charger that got lost in the move – then my phone’s screen fading for no reason. Not being able to apply for the card that will help us buy a mattress until Austin is with me (another 3 weeks of hard, uncomfy bed with sheets too big). And ridiculous gusts of wind and rain clouds that just make everything more difficult and stressful. And to top it off… apparently Verizon did not turn off our cell phones and is still charging us for service.

OK, enough of that…

The point is, I did not make time for God this morning. I slept past my alarm, and soon found myself caught up in my to-do list, stressing about the weather and how to accomplish everything. Why do I feel so pressed for time? I literally have 3 weeks to take care of these things… Why do I concern myself so much with how I am going to do it all? Hasn’t God provided so much for me already?

This week, God’s perfect timing allowed for meeting a new friend – one who has provided me with a ride to and from the store, and valuable information about my education. She is a believer, a dog-sitter, and is going to help me volunteer with the Red Cross. She knows contacts that will help me student teach here. Nothing but God. All the questions and concerns I have been having about school, jobs, etc the past 4 weeks… It’s like God said, “Ta-da! Here you go…” And His timing was perfect. I couldn’t have handled it any sooner. I wasn’t ready. Now that I am “alone”, God is leading me on…

“In deepest silence, open-doored to God.” That is my prayer this week. To be open-doored to God…

Another blessing: I am going to a Bible study in the morning! Apparently they have a women’s group the meets every Tuesday morning for fellowship, food, and Bible study. This came about through a random email I sent someone that put an ad on a website looking for a contemporary service… Through emails, we’ve become friends. Now I will be meeting her tomorrow and finally, finally will be able to meet some more people and hopefully develop some friendships that will help me get through…

I am horrible at asking for help – but God is providing me with more and more opportunities to reach out to people for help with what I need to accomplish… Thank you Lord for what you are doing, and for the friendships you are providing. Take away this feeling of anxiousness – it is the enemy trying to pull me down when you are pushing me forward – and replace it with your peace, and with an open heart and mind to what you are doing here… Use my time alone to grow, use it for what you are going to accomplish, and let my wandering emotions not take hold of me anymore. You are the Ultimate giver of joy, and you are with me always.

Ephesians 1

^7-10Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we’re a free people—free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! He thought of everything, provided for everything we could possibly need, letting us in on the plans he took such delight in making. He set it all out before us in Christ, a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth.

^11-12It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.