Alone

“So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. (Genesis 32:24)
Left alone! What different emotions these words bring to mind for each of us! To some they mean loneliness and grief, but to others they may mean rest and quiet. To be left alone without God would be too horrible for words, while being left alone with Him is a taste of heaven! And if His followers spent more time alone with Him, we would have spiritual giants again.
Our Master set an example for us. Remember how often He went to be alone with God? And there was a powerful purpose behind His command, “When you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray” (Matt 6:6).

The greatest miracles of Elijah and Elisha took place when they were alone with God. Jacob was alone with God when he became a prince (see Gen. 32:28). In the same way, we too may become royalty and people who are “wondered at” (Zech. 3:8). Joshua was alone when the Lord came to him (see Josh. 1:1). Gideon and Jephthah were by themselves when commissioned to save Israel (see Judg. 6:11; 11:29). Moses was by himself at the burning bush (see Ex. 3:1-5). Cornelius was praying by himself when the Angel of God came to him (see Acts 10:1-4). No one was with Peter on the housetop when he was instructed to go to the Gentiles (see Acts 10:9-28). John the Baptist was alone in the wilderness (see Luke 1:80), and John the Beloved was alone on the island of Patmos when he was the closet to God (see Rev. 1:9).

Earnestly desire to get alone with God. If we neglect to do so, we not only rob ourselves of a blessing but rob others as well, since we will have no blessing to pass on to them. It may mean that we do less outward, visible work, but the work we do will have more depth and power. Another wonderful result will be that people will see “no one except Jesus” (Matt. 17:8) in our lives.

The impact of being alone with God in prayer cannot be overemphasized.
If chosen men had never been alone,
In deepest silence open-doored to God,
No greatness would ever have been dreamed or done.”

This was sent to me by a dear friend last week, from Streams in the Desert (awesome devotional, by the way). It could not have come at a more perfect time… I’ve never struggled so much with my emotions and being able to deal with change/unknown in my life! I go from “ok, I’ve got this” to “what am I going to do?”…

Austin is in the field on MRE (Mission Readiness Exercise) for the next three weeks… living in a tent. The good things is that he will be given opportunities for medic-specific training, finally. And he will be coming home to a house that I have been able to make more like a home. The few days he had here were very hectic, with alot needing to be done before he left. I felt SO bad, and had long to-do lists. But the wonderful man and husband that he is, didn’t complain and told me that he wanted to make sure I had everything I needed and that I was taken care of while he was gone… But when he returns, I have plans… and those plans, are to have no plans 🙂 To have several days of “down time” where we are able to just relax and enjoy our time together. While the things that need to get done are still there, they are not as pressing as the need to just be with my husband.

God has definitely been working – and I’m finding out more and more that the “work” part of working out your faith, is NOT easy! It’s easy to find the right verse, or say what you need to do, or read the right devotion, but doing it, living it day to day? That’s a whole ‘nother story.

While I am NOwhere near having it all together or my feelings –  that are so apt to run away or just run in circles – under control, I am taking it one day at a time.

The hardest part, is being “alone.” I am SO used to being surrounded by people… my family, my husband, my friends, coworkers, students, etc… and now I find myself alone the majority of the time. I’ve asked God why  – a dangerous endeavor in itself. Most of the time when you ask God why, you don’t like the answer, or you don’t get one at all. How frustrating!! But it has caused me to slow down, and spend more time in His Word. Without that time, I would literally go crazy, especially if left alone with my thoughts and feelings for too long. And nights are the worst…. cooking for one. Not having someone to talk about my day with over dinner. No one to hold my hand while watching a movie. No one to pray with me before falling asleep. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do – the most trying on my emotions and sanity. I literally ache sometimes – I don’t feel like myself.

And as I get sucked into another state of sadness, I look over and my puppy is asleep completely on her back… feet in the air… hahaha. Thank you Jesus for the little things.

Ugh! This could be so much worse… This is nothing compared to what others are going through, and their faith is so much greater than mine.

I am daily encouraged by a certain journal kept by a precious family from the church I grew up in back home – take a look sometime when you get the chance, and join many others as they are warriors of prayer for this family. http://www.caringbridge.org

Even as I “wallow” in my “aloneness” at times, I know I am never alone… My husband is always with me in my heart, and only a phone call away right now. My puppy is a constant companion and a gift from God – even if she does act a little bipolar at times (hey, it gives me something to think about other than my own circumstances). And of course, my God has been, is, and always will be with me – even though I don’t “feel” His presence all the time…

I had a beautiful time of fellowship with God yesterday – I actually read through the whole book of Ephesians! I listened to some great worship music… specifically Cristy Nockels “A Mighty Fortress” (one of my favorites), and actually got goosebumps and had to close my eyes… It was the best feeling. Peace. Oh to feel such peace! I would spend every waking second in a moment like that if I could… But I am human, and fall prey to the distractions and demands of the world we live in.

I must admit that today was almost the complete opposite of yesterday… I’m worried about my puppy’s behavior (more “accidents” lately, acting nervous around me, refusing to go potty outside unless we walk for 30 minutes, sleeping more, etc), most likely due to so many changes lately – new people, new house, and then one of those persons not being around like normal. Ended up walking to the grocery store not once, but twice, only to find the beans I forgot the first time are now out of stock. Walking to the library to print papers, while getting rained on, to find they are not open for another hour. Having to buy another phone charger that got lost in the move – then my phone’s screen fading for no reason. Not being able to apply for the card that will help us buy a mattress until Austin is with me (another 3 weeks of hard, uncomfy bed with sheets too big). And ridiculous gusts of wind and rain clouds that just make everything more difficult and stressful. And to top it off… apparently Verizon did not turn off our cell phones and is still charging us for service.

OK, enough of that…

The point is, I did not make time for God this morning. I slept past my alarm, and soon found myself caught up in my to-do list, stressing about the weather and how to accomplish everything. Why do I feel so pressed for time? I literally have 3 weeks to take care of these things… Why do I concern myself so much with how I am going to do it all? Hasn’t God provided so much for me already?

This week, God’s perfect timing allowed for meeting a new friend – one who has provided me with a ride to and from the store, and valuable information about my education. She is a believer, a dog-sitter, and is going to help me volunteer with the Red Cross. She knows contacts that will help me student teach here. Nothing but God. All the questions and concerns I have been having about school, jobs, etc the past 4 weeks… It’s like God said, “Ta-da! Here you go…” And His timing was perfect. I couldn’t have handled it any sooner. I wasn’t ready. Now that I am “alone”, God is leading me on…

“In deepest silence, open-doored to God.” That is my prayer this week. To be open-doored to God…

Another blessing: I am going to a Bible study in the morning! Apparently they have a women’s group the meets every Tuesday morning for fellowship, food, and Bible study. This came about through a random email I sent someone that put an ad on a website looking for a contemporary service… Through emails, we’ve become friends. Now I will be meeting her tomorrow and finally, finally will be able to meet some more people and hopefully develop some friendships that will help me get through…

I am horrible at asking for help – but God is providing me with more and more opportunities to reach out to people for help with what I need to accomplish… Thank you Lord for what you are doing, and for the friendships you are providing. Take away this feeling of anxiousness – it is the enemy trying to pull me down when you are pushing me forward – and replace it with your peace, and with an open heart and mind to what you are doing here… Use my time alone to grow, use it for what you are going to accomplish, and let my wandering emotions not take hold of me anymore. You are the Ultimate giver of joy, and you are with me always.

Ephesians 1

^7-10Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we’re a free people—free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! He thought of everything, provided for everything we could possibly need, letting us in on the plans he took such delight in making. He set it all out before us in Christ, a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth.

^11-12It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.