Winds of Change

New house – well, new to us… New puppy! We found the same day we moved in to the house…

We were very blessed to find a 10 month old Australian Shepherd, and the sweetest, most energetic, eager to please, wanna-be lap dog I’ve ever had. She truly is a blessing 🙂 And her name is Molly! The same name as the mini-daschund my family had for many, many years that recently went to heaven…

Austin and I (well, mostly I) wanted to get a dog for me, so I will have some company and something to take care of while he is away – 3 weeks or more starting today, and coming up soon it will be 12 months – after looking and looking we came across Molly. She is a constant companion, and although sometimes shy (and a nervous pee-er haha) she makes for a good “guard dog”, making sure that she knows where we are at all times and watching out the window for the unknown.

The past few days have been BUSY and somewhat stressful…. We had only 3 days to move in, get errands done (meaning everything I need in the next few weeks, anything from blinds to plates to food to a vacuum), and make sure everything was ready for Austin’s training. It has been very frustrating… feeling like we don’t have enough time. I have to admit – being the queen of list-making, next to my mother haha – that I might have pushed a little hard to accomplish everything on my list… What if we don’t get this done? This HAS to get done today… and worrying that we would miss something important, and I would be left alone to try to take care of it.

While my attitude has remained “good” for the most part, I have felt such turmoil on the inside. I tried to gain control over it, I tried to give it over to God – I guess I ended up somewhere in the middle of trying to give it up but still holding on… and last night was the breaking point.

I have to tell you – if I could have foreseen all the challenges, trials, frustrations, and pressure that my life holds now, I probably would not be here. There are even times that satan still slips a little doubt into my mind about being here… ooo I hate that! But my God HAS and WILL ALWAYS prevail!! Even in the times of ultimate frustration and feeling like I have no control over anything, I know without a doubt that God has brought me here, to this place with my husband, according to His GOOD and PERFET plan. If He had not prepared me for the present time, I would not be here…

I have been feeling SO unprepared lately, for what I’ve been facing – starting a house from scratch, being without my husband for long periods of time, feeling alone, lack of information and helping hands, feeling spiritually deprived – but one step at a time…

Matthew 6 – Do Not Worry

²⁵“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[a]?

²⁸“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Why Lord, why do I get so ahead of myself, and more importantly ahead of you?? How many times have you reminded me that you will take care of me, that you will provide for me, prepare me, never leave me… and still I live with such little faith.

Thank you Jesus, for never giving up on me. Thank you for caring about the little things – for providing a dog for me to take care of, and to make me get out of the house. I heard your whisper in the wind today – on a walk with Molly. Thank you for the wind, thank you for the changes… I know that You are always with me… Help me to live in Your promises every day, and cast out any doubts and lies that satan tries to tell me. I will do my best – that’s all you ask – that I give you my best, I give you my worries, cares, delights, everything… I can only do so much Lord, and You know that, so I am relying on You for what I cannot do.

Use this time of “rest” to continue molding me – into the woman after Your own heart, into the serving wife that Austin deserves, into the “city on a hill” in the destitute place, into a clear, and pure reflection of You… All for Your glory Lord, not mine. All for Your will Lord, not mine. All for Your timing, Your plans, Your control…

I praise You for Who You are!!! You overwhelm me with You greatness, love, and mercy… Help me show that to others, as You have had others show it to me. Thank you for Cheryl, and the encouragement that You have inspired her to send me… Thank you for Noreen, a new friend that was made only by way of Your PERFECT timing… Thank you for Molly, a little blessing… Thank you for Austin, a wonderful and patient husband. Be with him and protect him during this time of training… Keep his mind sharp, focused on You first and foremost, and on the tasks that are given to him. Guard him from anything harmful – physical or spiritual. He is preparing for warfare – for the U.S. Army and for his heart and mind. Keep him aware of his surroundings, and prepare him for what is ahead.

MATTHEW 6 – The Message (version)

^25-26“If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

^27-29“Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

^30-33“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

³⁴“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

Arise & Eat

From My Utmost for His Highest: “Taking the Initiative Against Depression”

“The angel in this passage did not give Elijah a vision, or explain the Scriptures to him, or do anything remarkable. He simply told Elijah to do a very ordinary thing, that is, to get up and eat. If we were never depressed, we would not be alive — only material things don’t suffer depression. If human beings were not capable of depression, we would have no capacity for happiness and exultation. There are things in life that are designed to depress us; for example, things that are associated with death. Whenever you examine yourself, always take into account your capacity for depression.

When the Spirit of God comes to us, He does not give us glorious visions, but He tells us to do the most ordinary things imaginable. Depression tends to turn us away from the everyday things of God’s creation. But whenever God steps in, his inspiration is to do the most natural, simple things — things we would never have imagined God was in, but as we do them we find Him there. The inspiration that comes to us in this way in an initiative against depression. But we must take the first step and do it in the inspiration of God. If, however, we do something simply to overcome our depression, we will only deepened it. But when the Spirit of God leads us instinctively to do something, the moment we do it the depression is gone. As soon as we arise and obey, we enter a higher plane of life.”

Wow. Ok God. I get it.

I have been struggling with depression lately – being away from all I’ve ever known, feeling alone, not sure at all everything I need to do here, being in a spiritually deprived environment. And most of all, making myself feel guilty for not being happy – I mean, I am oh so happy to be with my husband again, and being able to spend almost every day with him here. However, I haven’t been truly happy all the time like I feel I should be. I’ve struggled with this daily since my arrival…. Loving being with my husband and feeling extremely blessed because of this, but also feeling unhappy for being away from my friends, family, job, church, etc. and trying to figure out this new way of life.

I knew this “depression” would be a reality to face – I felt somewhat prepared and thought I knew how to handle it…. stay positive, stay in God’s Word, pray, focus on your husband, stay busy, it could be worse, on and on and on… all great and true things. However, I still have struggled and didn’t understand why.

Our long-planned trip to Italy was light on the horizon. Hope. Something to look forward to, to get away from all I’m dealing with, and to finally be able to just enjoy being with Austin… Don’t get me wrong – our trip was absolutely amazing 🙂 I am so thankful for the opportunity to travel with Austin, and see things we never thought we would be able to see. It provided much needed time for us – a get-away. However, for some reason I still continued to struggle with feeling depressed… even standing under an unbelievable, beautiful cathedral, holding hands, taking pictures, eating gelato and pizza… I still felt that I wasn’t as happy as I could be.

Over the course of our 4-day weekend, Austin and I had a lot of ups and downs. I felt myself getting sucked farther into a hole… and I finally felt God’s grip on me, using Austin to reach out and get to the bottom of things. Deep and meaningful conversations followed, and I feel like I finally let go and let Austin completely take care of me, trusting him fully, and refusing to let the doubts that Satan has been using to take hold of me anymore and get in the way of my relationship with my husband. I know I am not perfect, and there will be many times where one or both of us will put up that wall of defense again, or will misunderstand each other and not try to find out what the real problem is…. However, I feel that we have grown leaps and bounds this week, and I am beginning to feel the climb back to the top.

A simple comment made by a friend yesterday really made everything click for me…. His wife was contemplating quitting her job, and his thoughts on it were that she is a much happier person on the days she doesn’t work, and coming home to happy wife is the best thing ever. Even if he’s had a completely horrible day at work, coming home to a joyful wife made everything better.

I’ve heard this my whole life… but it never made so much sense to me. I see so clearly how my attitude and the way I handle things – from the way I greet my husband when he walks in the door, to simply having a smile on my face while I cook dinner, or even having a good attitude even after another delay with housing – how I let things affect me, has a huge affect on him and our marriage.

God is working… I love it 🙂 I’m finally seeing how things are working together for good… While I realize that the struggles and my circumstances have not changed, and I will continue to face more unknowns and frustrations, I know that God is using them and working out my walk with Him through them, as well as strengthening my walk with my husband. Another Genesis week… and it’s beginning with me. Austin came home to a happy wife yesterday, and it made all the difference in the world. Even after a frustrating day of more housing delays, it was a good day. The circumstance did not change, the frustration did not change, and I still shared this with Austin… however, the way I went about it – not immediately “going off” when he got home (“you’ll never believe what happened today!”) not going on and on about it, and not complaining or voicing my concerns about something that he can do nothing about. I shared with him what happened, what my concerns where, and asked him his thoughts about it. We came up with a plan of action, made a decision, and that was it. We ate dinner, watched a movie, talked with his mom and grandma on skype, and had a wonderful evening together…

I am finding the joy in the every day things – not because I’m trying to stay positive, or because I’m trying to get myself out of a depression, or because I’m trying to make my husband happy, or I feel like I have to – I am finding the joy in welcoming my husband home, in holding his hand, in eating dinner together, in cleaning our room, in picking up after him, in laying out his clothes, in every little thing, just because I can. Because I am seeking my joy in Christ and Christ has blessed me with these everyday things – to experience joy. I have been seeking Him and asking for answers… how to handle this, how to communicate better, how to be happy, how to serve and respect my husband, how to be not depressed anymore…

It was in my depression that God showed me how to find my joy again… Arise and eat. Do the everyday things with my husband and realize the fullness of life that I have been given. I have a great capacity for joy and exultation, and I am loving embracing this new-found joy and sharing it with Austin.

Thank you so much to those who have ministered to me and encouraged me over the past few weeks… Mom, Renee, Grandma, Cheryl, Emily… thank you for being faithful in your own walks and letting God use you. You all have served as such inspiration – I hope to become a woman of God like you five are.

Alright, alright…. Here are some pictures 🙂

I Kings 19

Suddenly an angel shook him awake and said, “Get up and eat!”

⁶ He looked around and, to his surprise, right by his head were a loaf of bread baked on some coals and a jug of water. He ate the meal and went back to sleep.

⁷ The angel of God came back, shook him awake again, and said, “Get up and eat some more—you’ve got a long journey ahead of you.”

^11-12 Then he was told, “Go, stand on the mountain at attention beforeGod. God will pass by.”

A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn’t to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn’t in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn’t in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.”

I encourage you to read the whole chapter of I Kings 19… God has a purpose for my “isolation.” I am being nourished in my time alone. I am eager to go on and move forward, but God knows the journey ahead and is telling me to wait and eat (eat in a spiritual sense). To be prepared for what is coming… to stop looking for something big, and simply stop and listen for the whisper.

I know I’m filled to be empty again…

Thank you Cheryl Spencer for all of your encouraging posts on FB. I know I don’t always feel like posting encouraging things, so thank you for being faithful in your posts. If only you knew how often God has used you to encourage me on the other side of the world….

“Remember that God works on behalf of those who wait for Him. The Father has a great blessing for us if we will delight ourselves in Him, commit our ways to Him, and watch for Him patiently. Don’t worry, become impatient, lose our faith, or run ahead of Him. Instead, trust the Lord for His very best today and every day. Because surely we will find that He fully satisfies every desire of our hearts.”

I have been overdue for a post! This past week has been difficult on a number of levels… Becoming anxious about housing – we’ve been given the run-around it seems. There are several empty units within walking distance of where we are staying, and yet we were told we had to wait until a family moved out of our “assigned” unit. Hubby has worked 3 different ranges – being home only 3 out of 10 days. We are still in search of a church, and at this point would be happy with simply finding some Christian friends! I am beginning to feel discouraged… I haven’t had much chance to meet people, and I am beginning to feel restless. I am ready for my own house! I am ready for my own stuff! I am ready for things to become routine and familiar… However, my timing is not God’s timing. Doesn’t make it any easier though.

So, moving on to a more uplifting note: We have a house!! We are able to view it on Tuesday, Feb. 16th. We are unsure of the timing after that, whether we will be able to move in that day or sometime later that week. Regardless, we have a house…. For some reason, God wanted us to wait. He has a purpose for us being where we are, when we are.

We were recently given a large reimbursement from the Army… we hope they don’t change their minds! We are in the process of making a detailed budget and savings plan… Goal: be completely out of debt by the time he returns from deployment. All we have left is the second half of a car loan and my student loans. We are very excited about moving toward this goal and being able to leave Germany with a good amount of savings 🙂 While we have come across several “good deals” (cars, couches, household items, etc) and it has been VERY tempting to use our extra funds to “invest” in these deals… we have prayed fervently about our financial decisions, and we have decided to stick to our budget and make do with what we have now. 🙂 In the meantime, we have decided to continue with travel plans to Italy!!! Considering we had a short “honeymoon”, we think that it would be ok to spend a little on a trip…. come on, we are living in Europe! Traveling is a definite category within our budget. We are able to travel to Milan for 4 days (including airfare roundtrip and hotel) for the price of one, one-way ticket from ATL to Milan…. Yes please! We are PUMPED! And it couldn’t have come at a better time… I’m about to go stir-crazy!

I am in the workings of altering my perspective into a more positive outlook than what I have been keeping…. I  have a day, an hour, five minutes of “looking on the bright side” and “feeling blessed”, however those feelings fade and discouragement and worry would set in. After many days of constant prayer each time I would begin to feel down, several wonderful mornings of Bible study with my husband, encouraging chats with my mom and opening myself up to what God has been telling me, I have begun to climb out of the hole I put myself in. My perspective on my current situation, whatever it may be, should not be based on my feelings. My feelings are always changing, and very reliant on the course of circumstances. However, if I rely first and foremost on the unchanging God of the universe, who set everything in motion according to His time and His good will, who began a good work in me and will carry on to completion, who has a greater purpose in everything that He allows to happen, who has placed me where I am for His reasons, and who will work in and through me if I am but open and willing… then my day is SOOO much better than if I try to figure things out for myself.

While I do not, and may never, understand all of the reasons for my current circumstances, I know that God us using each moment, each challenge, each minute with my husband and each minute without him, to grow me, to teach me, to show His love and concern for me. For example, my husband and I have been able to work together and communicate more effectively (not without challenges) through discussing a budget, and making sacrifices together. I am learning more and more the importance of NOT jumping to conclusions and to talk openly and honestly with my husband, showing a genuine concern for his feelings rather than putting up my own wall of defenses… If we had been given a house upon my arrival, it would be so much easier to focus on setting up house, and I know I would have easily become overwhelmed with all we have to do. I would have lost focus on the importance of our new marriage, and shifted to what our house, our life should be life. God gave us this opportunity to work out a few bumps and simply focus on each other, because each other is all we have. We would have been even  more tempted to fill our house with things, and would have felt an even greater need to buy a car now, instead of waiting until our things and our car arrive. I am learning to handle being by myself a lot of the time, without being left alone in an empty house, sometimes for days at a time. And of course, I am forced to get out of the house and exercise  – walking to take care of housing, get groceries, get a haircut, etc. I could go on and on…

To sum up my ramblings, I was very moved and convicted by my devotion this morning… I have been reading out of a book I bought at Passion by A.W. Tozer, Tozer on the Almighy God (one of my favorite authors… if you haven’t read The Knowledge of the Holy, read it!). I’ll copy the devotion at the end of this post, but to sum up it was about Abraham. Basically, it says how we are “better off” than Abraham because we have established churches, groups, endless resources, other Christians, and of course, THE BIBLE to aid us in our walk. However, these things give us NO EXCUSE for not being as close to God as Abraham was. He walked with God, and talked with God – that’s it. He didn’t have a small group he attended once a week. He didn’t have a “prayer line” he could call when he was in need. He didn’t have books and websites and podcasts to encourage him or speak to him. It was just him and God. All he needed was a hungry heart – and God filled him.

These things that I have had access to and taken for granted – church, a solid group of Christian friends, Bible studies, etc – I have been aching for since I arrived here in Germany. I have looked and looked and been unable to find barely even a Christian friend… (By no means am I discrediting church and groups and Bible studies! These things are used by God! It is important to have fellowship with other believers…) I am merely saying how I have been so reliant on these things for my spiritual growth, rather than on the Spirit who does the growing! I have been lacking in a desire to study, and pray, other than when I am in need of something or on the verge of panic attack… I have been yearning for fellowship, making excuses for ignoring the ultimate fellowship that has been with me all along: God! And the wonderful husband He has blessed me with… I have tried so hard to rely on myself and figure it all out, rather than talking with my husband and both of us seeking God together.

All I need is an empty, hungry heart…. My current circumstances have emptied me. But it is in the emptying, that God is able to fill. I am emptying my desires, my wants, my timing, my schedule… and God is filling me with Himself, His will, His ways, His schedule…

From Tozer on the Almighty God: February 9, 2010 “An Empty, Hungry Heart”

“I happen to believe that Abraham’s encounters with the living God nearly 4,000 years ago leave modern men and women without an excuse. Abraham stands for every believer. His eager and willing faith becomes every Christian’s condemnation. On the other hand, his fellowship with God becomes every believer’s encouragement. If there is a desire in your heart for more of God’s blessing in your life, turn your attention to the details of Abraham’s encounters with God. You will find yourself back at the center, at the beating heart of living religion… Remember too, that at that point in history, almost 2,000 years before the coming of Jesus Christ into our world, Abraham had no Bible and no hymnal. He had no church and no Godly religious traditions for guidance. He could not turn to a minister or evangelist for spiritual help. Abraham had only his empty, hungry heart. That and the manifestation of the God who reveals Himself to men and women who desire to find Him and know Him.”

Streams in the Desert

I read this on a Christian Military Wives website… such perfect encouragement for me right now!! 🙂

As believers, “we live by faith, not by sight- God never wants us to live by our feelings. Our inner self may want to live by feelings, and Satan may want us to, but God wants us to face the facts, not feelings. He wants us to face the facts of Christ and His finished and perfect work for us. And once we face these precious facts, and believe them simply because God says they are facts, he will take care of our feelings. Yet God never gives us feelings to enable or encourage us to trust Him, and He never gives them to show us that we have already completely trusted Him. God only gives us feelings when He sees that we trust Him apart from our feelings, resting solely on His Word and His faithfulness to His promise. And these feelings that can only come from Him will be given at such a time and to such a degree as His love sees best for each individual circumstance.

Therefore, we must choose between facing our feelings or facing facts of God. Our feelings may be as certain and changing as the sea of shifting sand. God’s facts, however, are as certain as the Rock Of Ages Himself- “Jesus Christ”…the same yesterday and today and forever'(Heb. 13:8)
Sept 26th “Streams in the Desert“

Stay On Course

You’re blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God.

You’re blessed when you follow his directions,
doing your best to find him.
That’s right—you don’t go off on your own;
you walk straight along the road he set.
You, God, prescribed the right way to live;
now you expect us to live it.
Oh, that my steps might be steady,
keeping to the course you set;
Then I’d never have any regrets
in comparing my life with your counsel.
I thank you for speaking straight from your heart;
I learn the pattern of your righteous ways.
I’m going to do what you tell me to do;
don’t ever walk off and leave me.

Psalm 119:1-8

Hurry up…. and wait.

The unspoken motto of the Army. I’m learning more and more everyday about patience… and timing. And most importantly, the cruciality of my reliance on God in every moment. The second I begin to move forward on my own, I get overwhelmed… and react accordingly.

Fortunately for me (but unfortunately for my loving husband), I have Austin to quickly remind me of my attitude and the need to take it one day, one piece of paperwork, one moment at a time. When I start having a bad attitude, I realize – sometimes too late- how my thoughts, attitude, and approach to things affect others, especially my loved ones.

While some might say I have every excuse to be feeling overwhelmed lately – completely new environment, living with people I met a week ago, husband working, no car, having to rely heavily on others for every piece of information, being by myself the majority of the day with no way to go anywhere, etc – I live with the knowledge and peace that God’s plans are bigger than mine and His plans are ALWAYS in my best interest.

Now, as my husband will be the first to tell you… I’m not perfect!! 🙂 I don’t always have the best attitude or keep God’s purposes at the forefront of my thinking at all times. I have definitely had my moments of being restless, unhappy, confused, sad, overwhelmed… BUT through it all, with the patient, lovingkindness of Austin, I live each day knowing that God has me here for a reason – and He has me here, without a car, without my own house, with a LOT of time to myself – and is moving me toward something even greater. I am prepared for what lies ahead… always more paperwork of course! Ready for my car, ready for a job, ready for my house… ready for the next step that God has in store for us. I just need to stay on course, and walk to road God has before me.

So! On to slightly less deep thinking… The highlight of my week could very likely be going to see a movie tomorrow! 🙂 At the one-screen theater on base… I’m actually very excited… such a change for me! I’m so used to being able to choose being at home vs. running errands and finding something to do with friends. Texting when I’m bored, or just taking the car to the grocery store. Here, at least right now, I wait till Austin is home and we can borrow a car or catch a ride to the store. We check movie times – do you want to see this movie at 5:30 or this movie at 7? And the answer isn’t, well what about this movie at this time? It’s yes or no. But this new lifestyle is teaching me to enjoy the little things in life. I thought I had this perspective before… but now I am truly beginning to understand the meaning of living simply. I am blessed to have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in at night. I am blessed to have plastic containers to keep my clothes in. I am beyond blessed to have every day with my wonderful husband and enjoy just laying on the couch watching the boys play a video game… Thank you Lord for your goodness and how you care about the little things in my life. And if it’s your will… please give the people who work in the offices some work ethic and let them work quickly on our housing! 🙂

This week: snow. hot cocoa. read. check housing, finance, s-1 (human resources), bank, housing again, job listings… and enjoy every second with Austin.

Next week: repeat! and celebrate with the hubs holidays + birthday with some pecan pie!!!

Good times now. Better times are coming. I’m waiting with joyful anticipation.

That’s why I don’t think there’s any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what’s coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

Romans 8:18-21

Genesis Week

The origin or coming into being of something; the beginning.

God spoke… and there it was. (And it was good!)

The story of Genesis – the beginning. Some think that Genesis ended in the Old Testament. But Genesis – the coming into being of something – is happening in God’s work everyday. He created a new beginning in fallen man through Jesus. And everyday, He creates a new work in me… a fresh start.

This will always be true in a spiritual aspect. However, I find myself in a new place – a physical Genesis of sorts. I am entering into a new life! All of my friends will change (friends that I see on a regular basis). The way I go about things – filling out job applications, finding out information, housing, money, etc. is all different. The people I meet & their life experiences. Snow covering the ground for more than a few hours!!

Along with my new environment, I am finding that I am in need of a new attitude as well. While very excited and positive to move here (and of course ecstatic to finally be with my husband!), I had some expectations or ideas about this place that are totally different from reality. These first few days have been a roller coaster!! Much of this is a result from sleep deprivation and a completely new schedule… I know this will get better over time as I am acclimated to my new surroundings and schedule. However crazy my day, or how sleepy I get… at the end of the day, praying beside my husband, I know that it doesn’t matter where I am living or what each day holds… I know Who holds me and my days.

Through this experience, even in just the first few days of it… I have realized the importance of praying for a good attitude and a fresh spirit each day. If I hold on to things for too long or worry over all that I have to do, I just get overwhelmed and get nothing done. SO….

My verse that I have been dwelling in since arriving is Isaiah 51:10. I like the NIV and the Message versions… they go hand in hand: “Create in me a pure heart, O God, renew a steadfast spirit within me.” and “Make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.”

My prayer this week (and in the upcoming weeks) is for God to create a Genesis week out of the chaos of my life. For Him to speak, and there it be… That I won’t attempt to figure things out all on my own, but rely on Him to make all things good.

The first answer to prayer has been the amazing and gracious people we are staying with. What a blessing! While we continue to wait on housing, instead of holing up in a hotel (that we would mostly pay for), we are able to stay with one of Austin’s friends and his wife in on-post housing! We are becoming fast friends 🙂 and it’s been wonderful to have information about what we need to do next. Please pray that my transition and our move to housing and the ensuing paperwork goes smoothly. I’ll try to post pictures soon!

Leavin’ on a Jet Plane

Don’t know when I’ll be back again….

FINALLY!!! The day has arrived… I am LEAVING for Germany TODAY!!!

So many emotions… Excited. Able to be with my husband for more than a few days at a time. New place. New people. New house. New life. Anxious. All of the above. Being a wife WITH my husband, rather than just over the phone. Unknown place. ALL new people. My own house to take care of. Almost everything different from all I’ve known.

As some know, I struggle with a “go with the flow” attitude at times. I claim to have some spontaneity… as long as it’s planned 🙂 So this army life thing has provided endless opportunities for God to teach me a few things. One of them being, be grateful for what you DO have, what you DO know, and focus on those things, and THEN how God is working through the rest. For example: as of right now, we will not get our house when I get there (2-6 week waiting list). We will not get our stuff for 60+ days. I have to pack my life for the next two to three months in 3 bags (that weigh more than I do!). Austin does not get 10 days leave upon my arrival.

So as all of these “worries” weigh on my mind, God has reminded me once again that through these “struggles”, no matter how silly they may be, I have alot to be thankful for! I will be getting my own house that I don’t have to pay for. We have a place to stay for free with friends until we get our house (providing opportunities to show people how God is working with me & Austin). When I do get my house, I will then have stuff to put in it – I’m getting my things eventually, and in the meantime Austin and I will learn to live even more simply and enjoy the things that we do have, as well as experience the graciousness of our new friends and neighbors as they provide for and help us. I will have opportunities to rest and just be calm, and will learn when it is the right time to push forward with paperwork and office visits. And most importantly, I have TIME with my husband :)and an array of unique opportunities within our marriage to learn and grow.

Please pray as I’m traveling, that God will keep a protective hedge around me, calm my nerves, help me sleep when I need to, stay sane as I make my way around people who don’t know what they’re doing in an airport, through security quickly and easily, experience little to no problems changing planes, my luggage makes it with me, and Austin is ready and waiting for me to run into his arms.

I don’t know what the Internet situation will be like the first few days, but I will try to update as soon as possible. In the meantime, keep praying! I’m about to embark on a new adventure… and my REAL life as an Army wife begins.

Cookies

If you ever want to test your patience… try making meringue! Especially when you find out that you should have let the eggs sit at room temp before beating… 30 minutes after you start. If I had simply looked up meringue tips, I would have easily come across this simple cooking fact. However, stubborn me decided that I could figure it out with a simple list of ingredients. Come on, how hard can it be to whip egg whites and sugar?? Haha… harder than I thought.

In my cooking adventures, I have learned alot about cooking. Little tips and tricks and ideas…. flavors that mix, and ingredients that don’t… especially that the amount of time on the recipe card is ALWAYS wrong (I tend to multiply it by two… at least while I’m still learning). And I’ve figured out alot on my own – I’m so proud of myself! However, many times I have come across things that could have been avoided, made better, or easier by simply asking or looking it up. Note: thin asparagus should NOT be roasted, but rather microwaved. It will burn and becomes impossible to cut. And while my friends and family have enjoyed my new ambitions in the kitchen, they have also suffered… even if in silence, at some of my mishaps or simple lack of flavor. I suppose the “cookies” of life must be eaten along with the dry chicken dish at times… And sometimes by eating the mishaps, we enjoy it so much more when the dish is exquisite. A million analogies can be taken from my cooking adventures.

And before I go off in a million directions, I suppose I will end with this. Life, especially the Christian life, is much more joyful when we take each step based on God’s will and His Word. If we just pull out a bunch of “ingredients” : don’t lie, don’t steal, be nice, be patient, treat others like you want to be treated, respect your parents, etc. and try to put them all together ourselves… we end up with burnt, lumpy, doughy, heart-broken, angry people with a nice little guilt glaze. You can follow the “recipe” perfectly, but until you read the whole cookbook and get to know the One who wrote it, all you end up with is pretty cookies and a messy kitchen. I’d rather let the Head Pastry Chef guide me every step of the way – He will clean up my mess, supply the ingredients that I can’t get on my own, show me how they all mix together, and we will eat the best cookies you’ve ever tasted in Heaven together. While there WILL be times that I spill some flour, overmix, or try to make my own recipe… I know that my God will be right there with me to teach me and use my mistakes to help me learn and grow, to become an even better “cook.” I just need to hand over the spatula and let Him do His thing, and give Him all the credit for the cookies.

1 Corinthians 10:31 “So eat your meals heartily, not worrying about what others say about you—you’re eating to God’s glory, after all, not to please them. As a matter of fact, do everything that way, heartily and freely to God’s glory.”

Blessed

Ok, let’s give this another try!

While I desire to update everyone on everything, I know that it would result in an inordinately and ridiculously long post, one that not even I would like to read through! So, I will summarize as best I can to catch everyone up and simply move forward from there. There is no way that I can express in words, even written, what all has occurred and the amazing blessings from God along the way….

Since the wedding, I spent 10 amazing and blissful days with my hubby…

He has been at our base in Germany ever since. While this has been difficult, to say the least, it has provided unique opportunities for us to grow closer to God as well as in our marriage. I know that God will restore our time when we are reunited soon 🙂 especially during our 4-day trip to Milan, Italy for Valentines Day!!!

In the meantime, I have gone from impatient to frustrated to peaceful to impatient again… sometimes all at once, if possible. Through it all, my patient and loving husband has been supportive of me (quitting my job, changing my school plans, figuring out our new way of life) and understanding of my needs and has been working hard to get me there as soon as possible! I am so proud of him!! He has been working hard, training diligently, and playing some 🙂 He LOVES Germany (except for the cold!) and has traveled to Prague, Munich, etc. I told him NO more traveling until I get there!

He is doing very well, considering being in a new country with new people and a new job without his wife and family over the holidays (including his birthday!) and has remained strong and enduring… He truly is an amazing man and wonderful husband! However, he does miss me 🙂 (he would be in big trouble if he didn’t haha)… and I know will be MUCH happier once I am in his arms again. We are looking forward to settling into our house, exploring the country, and getting accustomed to our new life. Please keep us in your prayers as we continue in our journey!!

Some have asked what they can do for us… well, money always helps 🙂 just kidding… but not really…

But seriously, the best and most important thing you can do for us is pray. This short separation will be just a memory soon, and we will be blessed with time together in Europe, however we do face the reality of deployment. Continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we prepare for this. What you CAN do, is email us! Encouragement, verses, devotions, etc… oo and recipes! I am unsure of what our needs will be until I arrive in Germany, but I will keep everyone updated as much as possible!

In the meantime, I have been passing the time with reading, movies, and ALOT of cooking… Austin is going to be a happy soldier with all the homecooking I will be doing 🙂 I’ve been “cooking up a storm”, as Momma Renee has said! Hopefully my newlywed body is not feeling the effects too much…. Austin has a diet and exercise plan already prepared for us upon my arrival! Which I am very excited about… but until then, I’m taste-testing various cookie recipes! Don’t tell him that… 🙂

God really spoke to me through the Passion conference in Atlanta right after New Years…. what an amazing opportunity! I came by a free ticket, and found another one for my sister of the heart, Heather. I cannot even begin to describe our 4-day experience! I am SO blessed by her friendship, and even more blessed that we were able to have a meaningful and life-changing experience with God together. Oh my goodness, I get excited just thinking about it! I’ll leave it at that… Otherwise I will go on and on and on… Just know that God used our friendship in a powerful way, and moved in our lives that weekend.

My other best friend, Jennifer, got engaged!!! And as MoH (Maid of Honor), I know there will be many days of Skype-planning ahead! It’s really cool to see where we are now… I remember talking about getting married when we were like, 12 years old. Our hopes and dreams, and where we wanted to be 10 years down the road… well here we are, 10 almost 11 years later… and it’s even better than we imagined 🙂

I was talking with a dear friend today about life… I know, very deep. But in our discussion, I began to realize even more how blessed I am! We talked about where we were a year ago, and what we’ve been through to get to where we are today. Alot of waiting, and feeling like there was something bigger ahead, but we just couldn’t reach it yet. Alot of discomfort, alot of misunderstandings, alot of growth, alot of trying to figure things out on our own and being unable to, losing “control”, surrendering to God, and eventually letting him work and trusting in His timing… While I know this seems VERY vague (again, I could elaborate and create a book) it just made me remember how truly blessed we are when we “lose control” and let God take the driver’s seat. He is living for His own glory, knowing that our ultimate joy is found in our giving Him the glory… we don’t have to give up  joy to live for God. Living for God IS our joy! And our ultimate blessing from God…

Austin and I are where we are today because we gave ourselves up to Christ. His timing, His will, His way… and while we are human, and know we will make mistakes, and make each other angry or frustrated throughout our marriage, we also see the bigger picture, and that is what will keep us together – through good times and bad, through leave and deployment, we find our joy and peace in Christ. Even in times such as now, while we are separated… we are blessed.

Matthew 5

³“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

⁴“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

⁵“You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

⁶“You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.

⁷“You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.

⁸“You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

⁹“You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.

¹⁰“You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.

In the Desert & the Harvest

Finally!! I’m able to update…

Austin came home Tuesday November 3!! A huge group of friends & family met him at the airport with posters, cookies, hugs, & happy tears 🙂 It was awesome to see the love & support for him!

We had a glorious few days before the wedding, spending every second we could together, last-minute planning and errand-running, family & friends vying for our attention… While it was hectic and filled with doing this and that, Austin & I enjoyed every minute!

Friday came and the rehearsal went well 🙂 Austin went with the guys for their “Guys Night” and Jennifer & I went to…. Starbucks, of course! Us old-ladies didn’t stay out too late, wanting to be rested for the morning! We both arrived SO early, which made me feel nervous because there was nothing I could do but wait!!

All the planing, stressing, doing, going, worrying, calling… disappeared the moment I walked through the doors on my daddy’s arm, with my veil down, flowers in hand, and saw Austin standing there waiting for me 🙂 All the waiting and planning, for this amazing moment. All I have to say is – TOTALLY WORTH IT!!!

November 7, 2009            Mr. & Mrs. Eskew

The whole day was beautiful 🙂 but went by in a whirlwind… it was the most unique, perfect experience, like everything was flying by but crawling at the same time. All that mattered was that he was by my side 🙂

Our ceremony was traditional, but we made it our own… We faced the crowd, while our Pastor Jerry faced us. I loved that the whole ceremony was about us and the message came straight from the Bible! The music was beautiful, and tears were accompanied by smiles 🙂 Austin & I held it together until we saw our dear friend Don with tears streaming… followed by all of our friends & family!!

I thought it was difficult to get the attention of my family at one time… but attempting to round up all of my family & all of Austin’s family was the hardest part of the day!! 🙂 Everyone was talking and snapping pictures and talking more! But we eventually got through pictures and our photographer Mark Elkins and his wife Jaclyn whisked us away for our own photo shoot 🙂 I am SO excited to see the pictures!! Thank you Lissa & Brent, and Mom & Dad 🙂 You don’t know how much it means to us… Such a blessing!

We took extra-long with our photographer (www.markelkinsphotography.com) but making everyone wait only made our entrance that much more anticipated and exciting 🙂

The food… Amazing!! Thank you JoAnne & everyone who helped with the food & reception!! It was beautiful and so memorable 🙂 By the time we arrived and danced in front of everyone, they had all eaten! Fortunately, plates had been saved for us… and while Austin chowed down on his plate, I was aware of photos being taken everywhere and didn’t want pictures of myself stuffing my face with chicken wings!! 🙂

The speeches were SO meaningful and made the reception! What a blessing to hear from our loved ones… I will remember it forever! Not to mention Mr. Willman stalking us with a video camera haha

One of my favorite parts was leaving… being assaulted by bubbles, Cristi frantically writing on our windows with her lipstick, reopening the door for the photographer, and driving a mile down the road, u-turning, and coming right back to the church to get our stuff!! So us…

Finally!! We were on our way to the lake house… another blessing that God completely orchestrated. We looked at each other, and at the same time smiled so big and bursted out laughing!! Oh how I love my husband!! He even stopped by taco bell because I was starving 🙂 That’s true love right there…

Four blissful days later, we returned home to spend time with family & friends, which of course didn’t go according to our plan… what does? But we didn’t regret one second of our time…

Yesterday, I took my Hubby to the airport… they let me go back to the gate to see him off 🙂 So thankful for the nice people there. Every day is a new experience in our marriage – unlike any other. But hey, who wants life to be boring & predictable? Ours wasn’t before and certainly never will be. We have a new and exciting adventure before us, and being apart for a few weeks is only the first step. He is preparing for me, and I am preparing to join him 🙂 Step two is our new life together in Germany!! Followed by a two-year “honeymoon” where it’s going to be me, him, & God. What better way to begin a marriage??

God has brought us this far, preparing us for marriage and our life together… He obviously thinks we are ready for this next step. Show us the way Lord, make our paths straight and our hearts open and our eyes focused on You!

All we ask for now is prayer… that Austin will get acquainted with his new job and environment, and that everything will go smooth and work out quickly for me to join him before Christmas. Until then, every day is another day for God to grow us closer to Him and to each other, even half a world apart for the time being.

So, to everyone who sees and/or talks to their significant other every day… being able to wake up next to them in the morning, call them whenever you need them… be thankful. Don’t stress over the small stuff! Don’t make big deals out of little things, and enjoy every minute you have with the ones you love.

I am grateful and blessed that Austin was able to call for a two-minute conversation to let me know he was there & safe… and I trust that he is taking care of what he needs to there to prepare for me, and I am praying non-stop for him until the next phone call 🙂 Life abundant, life full, not life easy… thank you Jesus for the times in the desert, for all I can do is rely on you.

All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason… I know I’m filled to be emptied again.